Summer 2012

It's over. My summer - it's gone.
So much is different as my little family heads into this new school year.
I no longer have elementary school children. Not a single one.
Emma joined Andrew in our church's youth group.
There is a big hole in Lakeland where my brother and his family used to be.
We have new instruments in our house.
And I'm going to school on purpose (choosing instead of aimlessly wandering).

There's a lot going on and at the same time, I've been doing absolutely nothing.
Maybe, with so much going on inside, I just needed the outside to be as still as possible.
I feel a little guilty when I look back at previous summers that were full of camps and intentional family time and incredible projects. A little guilty...but obviously not guilty enough to have done any of those things this summer. Instead, we watched hours and hours of Netflix (Dr. Who, mostly) and made cupcakes and slept in. I do love my big kids for their ability to sleep in! It was glorious and decadent and wonderful!

And I'm not ready for it to be over.

Chris and I have spent the bulk of the last two days scheduling out our upcoming semester and it's overwhelming. I don't even feel quite recovered from last year and here we dive, headfirst, into another. Except, I know it will be worth it.

I mean, I could be somebody's secretary and make a decent living with a predictable schedule and evenings-and-weekends free. That life would let me make cupcakes for the whole class and knit hats for everyone on my Christmas list. It would let me sew summer sundresses and go out for coffee with friends. I know I have traded some old things I loved for new things I love even more. I know because I've been that girl for a long time. And I like being that girl. Okay, well, maybe I only liked parts of it.

So now, I am balancing too much. My hair usually won't be clean and I'll almost never get around to wearing actual makeup. I'll forget important papers for my kids' schools and zone out when people talk to me. People will get store-bought presents from me (and they'll love me just the same). I'll spend my days with people half my age and I won't quite fit in with people my own age. I will drink coffee early in the mornings as I zoom over I-4. In a few weeks' time, I'll have that half-crazy fire in my eyes that makes strangers a little scared to talk to me (this is a real thing I have been told about). And it will be worth it.

I have traded some things I loved for some better things. It is busy and scary and certainly not stable. But it's a chance I will never see again. I have to do it. It will be hard and sometimes it will be lonely. It already has been. But my kids need me to be more than a secretary-cupcake-baker, because I was made to be more than that.

So, my glorious, nothing of a summer is over and I am sad about that, but waking up at 5:30 every day to live this crazy, insane life of mine...it'll be worth it.

Right?