Sunday, May 27, 2012


I'm in a temporary season now - a reckoning of sorts.
Not the Southern kind, where you reckon it might rain.
Though you could replace "reckon" with "figure" and figures make you think of numbers and numbers make you think of accounting and you could say that I'm taking into account my gains and my losses that I have incurred as of late.
The things I've gained in the process of my education need to outweigh the losses and stresses my family has experienced. If they don't, this journey is simply not worth continuing.
I've come out of the first phase (my AA) with more wrinkles and more gray hair to be sure, but I've learned so much and have so many new doors open in front of me. My children (and my patient, sainted hubby) need some face time and my house home is a disaster. Will a summer recovery be enough? Can I manage another school year of my own while I continue to teach and have two children in two separate schools and bands?
Big Girl College has its own set of challenges for me and I'm not entirely sure I'm able to meet them.
Of course, the answer is that only time will tell. I can't know what the next school year will be like until it actually happens. I can't know how much I can handle until I actually fall flat on my face and fail. But I came close this year - close to that dangerous precipice over which you lose track of the important things in life.
I'm trying to sleep, trying to recover, trying to
And I know that sounds terrible, but it's true and it's real.
I've found that I don't want to make things right now. I don't want to create. I just want to exist and breathe and do nothing and so that's what I've done (and not done). The pictures I'm taking these days are pretty terrible.
But I started a new knitting project this week.
I think that's a good sign.
I'll be up and running again soon, and I don't mean to sound all gloomy and tired.
It hasn't all sorted out, but an idea has been shuffling around in the dusty corners of my mind, and it's been whispering to my fingers, telling them to start typing and that maybe, once the words start coming out, they will be easier to sort through.