Sunday, May 27, 2012


I'm in a temporary season now - a reckoning of sorts.
Not the Southern kind, where you reckon it might rain.
Though you could replace "reckon" with "figure" and figures make you think of numbers and numbers make you think of accounting and you could say that I'm taking into account my gains and my losses that I have incurred as of late.
The things I've gained in the process of my education need to outweigh the losses and stresses my family has experienced. If they don't, this journey is simply not worth continuing.
I've come out of the first phase (my AA) with more wrinkles and more gray hair to be sure, but I've learned so much and have so many new doors open in front of me. My children (and my patient, sainted hubby) need some face time and my house home is a disaster. Will a summer recovery be enough? Can I manage another school year of my own while I continue to teach and have two children in two separate schools and bands?
Big Girl College has its own set of challenges for me and I'm not entirely sure I'm able to meet them.
Of course, the answer is that only time will tell. I can't know what the next school year will be like until it actually happens. I can't know how much I can handle until I actually fall flat on my face and fail. But I came close this year - close to that dangerous precipice over which you lose track of the important things in life.
I'm trying to sleep, trying to recover, trying to
And I know that sounds terrible, but it's true and it's real.
I've found that I don't want to make things right now. I don't want to create. I just want to exist and breathe and do nothing and so that's what I've done (and not done). The pictures I'm taking these days are pretty terrible.
But I started a new knitting project this week.
I think that's a good sign.
I'll be up and running again soon, and I don't mean to sound all gloomy and tired.
It hasn't all sorted out, but an idea has been shuffling around in the dusty corners of my mind, and it's been whispering to my fingers, telling them to start typing and that maybe, once the words start coming out, they will be easier to sort through.


Amy said...

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a bit worried about you. Kids and husbands need time and the frantic college pace can only last so long. I'm sure you'll know the right thing when it's time. In the meantime I hope you get lots of rest and have an amazing time reconnecting with life.

Christy said...

Well, I'd be lying if I said I don't appreciate the worry :) I'm not feeling entirely sure that school is right for me anymore, but at the same time, it's not an opportunity that's likely to come my way again. I think this next semester will be the one that makes or breaks my resolve to finish.

frabjouspoet said...

I can sympathize with you. The rush of life sometimes is overwhelming. I vacillate between wondering if the chaos is worth the result because of what gets lost in shuffle and wondering if the rush itself IS life at work. :)

Amy said...

I can tell you from experience that in everything I've ever done, my kids and husband are the ones worth my time and effort.

Not that you asked for my opinion :)

Kids just grow up so fast, which you know since you see my kid more than I do, and as much as I was around I still have regret. Just know that I understand the pull of "finishing" and the pull of a mama's heart. It's not easy.

Mary Kelso said...

I so love your honesty Christy, it's refreshing in a world full of people so sure of themselves. I love the comments above too. So good to see/read the support of good friends. I don't feel I can add anything but I will say I appreciate your accounting and I know that you will do what's right for them and you...and probably in that order...which is good.

Christy said...

Thanks Mary - and I love these words too. I think it comes down to wondering if the changes we've experienced are really losses. I think there have been some compromises, but not all of them have been bad and...I think time will only tell for sure. I just don't know yet, you know? But I have to ask the questions.

Rebecca Jeffries-Hyman said...

I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE WORDS FROM YOU!!! I missed your blog!

Now... Let me throw something out there. I think it's a great sign that you're reckoning. I think that people who have their priorities out of line don't "reckon" at all. My struggle with this concept is constant, balancing work, family, and my own dreams in there too.

I understand and totally agree with the fact that kids grow up quickly and marriages need attention too. I just want to point out one other thing:

I had a working mom who excelled at her job. She was (still is) a GREAT nurse. People called on her (still do) when a 911 call would have been more appropriate. I was as a kid and am even more as an adult, PROUD of my smart, caring, mom who is undeniably awesome at what she does. There's something to be said for kids that know how God has gifted their mom, and how to be proud of her and cheer her on and even follow in her footsteps. Yours are two wonderful people who I have no doubt are crazy about their cool, smart, creative mom. Honestly, looking back, I'm not upset about the time my mom spent on her career or her ministry work. I'm proud of it, want to emulate it, and would NEVER think/say something like "Wish my mom would have set aside her dreams and talents so she could drive me around to more clubs and stuff." I know what place I hold in my mother's heart and always have. She communicated that to me WHILE she held down a job, took awesome care of my dad, and taught Sunday School and so on. You are doing the same I have absolutely no doubt.

A cool memory comes to mind of "book day" at Mackenzie's school. I had pursued my own dream of writing one and now was at her school as an author and read one of the anecdotes about her in my book to her class. Then I went to Levi's class and did the same. I will never forget their huge grins, and how they owned that dream with me. Can't imagine it'll be much different with you one day when your kids are showing you off... their music prof mom, or whatever else you happen to scheme up!

I'm pretty sure my mama "reckoned" and I "reckon" too. That's what good mamas and wives do to keep themselves in check.

So reckon on this: You are totally and completely a hero in my life. I'm loving the awesome opportunities coming your way, and I hope whatever you reckon is the next step brings even bigger blessings.

Christy said...

Sigh. I love you B. That is all.