I have noticed that nobody seems to make the stuff that exists in my head.
When I have a project in mind, my first inclination is to make every last bit of it from the most raw ingredients and supplies I can find.
Unfortunately, I have a life.
I have a busy life.
I have to cut corners and eventually concede that I will have to buy some of the parts that I need from a store.
This is always the sticky part for me. Stores don't have what my mind wants them to have. For instance, today I discovered that nobody makes red, glittered chipboard numbers. They just don't. Oh, there are aqua ones and black ones, but you have to buy a whole expensive package with letters in it too. I'd probably have to buy five packages to get all the numbers I'd need.
Also, nobody makes tiny envelopes with button and string closures. Do you know how much Googling it took to even find out that that's what they're called? It seemed to me that I should be able to just walk into Staples and buy those.
But by this point in the process, I am already so far gone into the project that I'm unwilling to compromise my vision and must, alas, return to square one and make everything myself.
I'm sure that I'm not alone in this clarity-of-vision-induced, caught-in-the-abyss-of-retail-land, not-enough-time-to-do-it-all crafting.
Right?
Showing posts with label i'm a weirdo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i'm a weirdo. Show all posts
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Adventures
I know I have mentioned that Emma and I were on an Artists' Retreat, but I have neglected to really say much about it. For the benefit of my newer friends and readers, let me 'splain.
My daughter is definitely a creative girl. And, well, so am I. I want to teach her how to be creative in a healthy way - to take care of herself, take time to look for inspiration, to seek adventure and find her place in this world that isn't always so friendly to our sort of girls. I also want her to have a community of creative women around her as she grows - people who understand and value the way she thinks and works. One activity I've devised that fits the bill is an Artists' Retreat. The past couple of years, we have gone to visit my friend Allison, who lives near the beach just a bit south of us. She is a writer and a poet and a Great Understander of People.
She's one of us.
So we go and stay with her for a few days. We eat interesting food that we find wherever we happen to be, we write and paint and draw and go to the beach a lot.
It's a few days of fun - connecting and creating.
We made a few really fun stops during our stay this year. An especially quirky one was the New University Pyramid Village. It's just a spot that Alli has always wanted to check out, so we did.
It's community with homes in pyramid-ish shapes and giant statues of composer heads.
I'm not even kidding.
We laughed and laughed, but we also felt super uncomfortable. I won't link to the website because it's pretty creepy, even if you could understand the poor English. It's some kind of new-age-ish European community. But still. Really funny stuff.
People crack me up.
On another day, we visited Koreshan State Park, which, now that I think of it, is pretty creepy in its origin too. But I love old buildings and crumbling structures and history, so I really enjoyed walking around.
But it was super-hot. We had just about given up and decided to seek out some air conditioning when we spied a pirate.
A real, honest-to-goodness Captain Jack Sparrow pirate.
Like any good free-spirited girl would do, we decided to follow him around a bit. I mean, the story is a bit more complicated than that, but Allison wrote a delicious poem about it that captures the whole event in far better and far more romantic terms than I could dare hope to write. Read it. You won't be sorry.
This pirate was so convincing that we spent the rest of the day giggling and wondering if he had been actually the real Captain Jack Sparrow. Upon close inspection of the photos, it has been determined that he was not. Sigh.
But that doesn't really matter, does it? We met a pirate. He told us we made his day. End of story.
The only reason there is no photo of me with the pirate is that I was pretty sure I couldn't PhotoShop out the lake of sweat that had welled up in my clavicle. I am a very vain girl, it seems.
(yawn) More tomorrow. I have spent this entire day playing with photos and I am ready to do something that doesn't involve a computer.
My daughter is definitely a creative girl. And, well, so am I. I want to teach her how to be creative in a healthy way - to take care of herself, take time to look for inspiration, to seek adventure and find her place in this world that isn't always so friendly to our sort of girls. I also want her to have a community of creative women around her as she grows - people who understand and value the way she thinks and works. One activity I've devised that fits the bill is an Artists' Retreat. The past couple of years, we have gone to visit my friend Allison, who lives near the beach just a bit south of us. She is a writer and a poet and a Great Understander of People.
She's one of us.
So we go and stay with her for a few days. We eat interesting food that we find wherever we happen to be, we write and paint and draw and go to the beach a lot.
It's a few days of fun - connecting and creating.
We made a few really fun stops during our stay this year. An especially quirky one was the New University Pyramid Village. It's just a spot that Alli has always wanted to check out, so we did.
It's community with homes in pyramid-ish shapes and giant statues of composer heads.
I'm not even kidding.
We laughed and laughed, but we also felt super uncomfortable. I won't link to the website because it's pretty creepy, even if you could understand the poor English. It's some kind of new-age-ish European community. But still. Really funny stuff.
People crack me up.
On another day, we visited Koreshan State Park, which, now that I think of it, is pretty creepy in its origin too. But I love old buildings and crumbling structures and history, so I really enjoyed walking around.
But it was super-hot. We had just about given up and decided to seek out some air conditioning when we spied a pirate.
A real, honest-to-goodness Captain Jack Sparrow pirate.
Like any good free-spirited girl would do, we decided to follow him around a bit. I mean, the story is a bit more complicated than that, but Allison wrote a delicious poem about it that captures the whole event in far better and far more romantic terms than I could dare hope to write. Read it. You won't be sorry.
This pirate was so convincing that we spent the rest of the day giggling and wondering if he had been actually the real Captain Jack Sparrow. Upon close inspection of the photos, it has been determined that he was not. Sigh.
But that doesn't really matter, does it? We met a pirate. He told us we made his day. End of story.
The only reason there is no photo of me with the pirate is that I was pretty sure I couldn't PhotoShop out the lake of sweat that had welled up in my clavicle. I am a very vain girl, it seems.
(yawn) More tomorrow. I have spent this entire day playing with photos and I am ready to do something that doesn't involve a computer.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Not Much
There's not much going on here.
Isn't that nice?
Today, for lunch, I made bruschetta - Julie & Julia style. If you saw that movie, you know exactly which bruschetta I'm talking about. If you haven't seen the movie, well, I'd highly recommend it. I loved it. Seldom is there a movie couple that so closely resembles Chris and me as Julie & Eric Powell. I'm not kidding.
And if you haven't made this bruschetta, do so tomorrow.
I mean it.
Fried bread should probably be listed in the Bible as a big-time sin, but it's not. So, I will guiltily enjoy this now and again, but not too often - moderation and all that.
We're also eating on a big pot of black-eyed peas and a whole mess o'greens (that's how we say it in the south) cooked down with some hog jowl and served up over cornbread. That's a new thing for me - I've never made such a southern dish before. I'm not superstitious or anything (the meal is said to bring good luck if you eat it on January 1), but it sure sounded tasty after all the cookies of the previous week, so I made it. And I loved it.
We've been eating high on the hog, you could say.
Ahem.
Our stretchy pants have just about reached their limits, though, and we will have to buckle back down, reign everything in, and start back into real life tomorrow. That's when Chris goes back to work. The kids go back to school on Tuesday.
Sigh.
Christmas of 2009, you have been fun and I have made you last as long as I possibly could. But, 2010 is already here. We simply have to part ways. But we won't officially part until I do a "here's-all-the-stuff-I-made" post. That's coming up soon, I promise, with pictures and tutorial links and all that good stuff.
I'll get to it later, though.
Them greens is callin' my name!
Isn't that nice?
Today, for lunch, I made bruschetta - Julie & Julia style. If you saw that movie, you know exactly which bruschetta I'm talking about. If you haven't seen the movie, well, I'd highly recommend it. I loved it. Seldom is there a movie couple that so closely resembles Chris and me as Julie & Eric Powell. I'm not kidding.
And if you haven't made this bruschetta, do so tomorrow.
I mean it.
Fried bread should probably be listed in the Bible as a big-time sin, but it's not. So, I will guiltily enjoy this now and again, but not too often - moderation and all that.
We're also eating on a big pot of black-eyed peas and a whole mess o'greens (that's how we say it in the south) cooked down with some hog jowl and served up over cornbread. That's a new thing for me - I've never made such a southern dish before. I'm not superstitious or anything (the meal is said to bring good luck if you eat it on January 1), but it sure sounded tasty after all the cookies of the previous week, so I made it. And I loved it.
We've been eating high on the hog, you could say.
Ahem.
Our stretchy pants have just about reached their limits, though, and we will have to buckle back down, reign everything in, and start back into real life tomorrow. That's when Chris goes back to work. The kids go back to school on Tuesday.
Sigh.
Christmas of 2009, you have been fun and I have made you last as long as I possibly could. But, 2010 is already here. We simply have to part ways. But we won't officially part until I do a "here's-all-the-stuff-I-made" post. That's coming up soon, I promise, with pictures and tutorial links and all that good stuff.
I'll get to it later, though.
Them greens is callin' my name!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Words
How about a few words today and no pictures? I mean, I've still got the car show pictures to post at some point, but c'mon. This isn't a photography blog, now, is it?
With this tropical system - what is it, Ida? - in place, there has been no light for doing any more of those portraits. I'm starting to get concerned that I won't have what I need for my homework! Aaak! In the meantime, though, I'm building a PVC structure to hold my black backdrop so that I can take it anywhere, baby! Just like I'm some kind of real photographer!
We went to Home Depot last night to buy the pipes for it and the kids were very complain-y. They really hate going to those types of stores. They were behaving in ways that I don't normally see from my children. I was getting a little embarrassed. Then I showed them how the plumbing aisle works. How the boxes of fittings are all color-coded to indicate size and how all the fittings work with all the pipes. Like giant white Legos, kind of. Let me tell you, Emma's eyes lit up. She had Big Plans flooding her little head. It's really fun to find those random objects that spark imagination in your kids. It turned an obligatory, dreary task into a moment of fun and learning. Like magic.
We are finding our magic wherever we can these days.
Chris and I watched a little movie called The Brothers Bloom the other night. I don't typically endorse movies and I don't mean to do so now, but I rather enjoyed it and thought it was imaginative. Here's the thing I really loved about the movie: it presents a question that I ask myself often (not out loud or anything, 'cause people would think I'm nuts) - if you live your life like a story you are writing, is it really authentic? If your actions are dictated by the story you're telling, the character you're playing, instead of arising organically out of who you are, are you being real?
I mean, I live my life like it's a story all the time. I sometimes decide what I want to wear or listen to by deciding what kind of story I want to tell on that day. And I wonder if those things that I do, making decisions like I'm writing fiction, make my life less real. If my actions are dictated by an imaginary storyline, are they really, truly mine? Or are they just part of a character I made up?
It's not like the question really, truly bothers me. It was more like, I was watching that movie, identifying strongly with the female lead character (she's eccentric and she collects hobbies! hello, me!) and thinking, "Hey! I totally get what they're saying here!" in a way that doesn't usually happen.
So. Anyway. Cute movie.
My neck MRI turned up little more than normal wear and tear, which is a good thing. Just a little smidge of something that was caused by the accident, but overall, my biggest problem will be that herniated disc in my low back. That was a relief. It looks like I'll only be in physical therapy another couple of weeks at the most, which is also a relief. I'm looking forward to having my life back. I'm even looking forward to the schedule I'd originally worked for this fall, thinking at the time that it would be nearly an impossible schedule to follow. Turns out, it would be almost a vacation in comparison to what life has brought us.
I don't mean that in a bad way, a woe-is-me-way or any kind of negative way at all. I'm just tired. I'm ready to find my mojo again. I want to feel like I'm creative and spontaneous instead of feeling like I'm ruled by the next item on my list. Constantly. And I want to breathe. I want to have time to shave. Big-time. I want to look forward to Christmas this year instead of dreading the stress and hassle.
Will the End of Physical Therapy mean all those things? Nope. But right now, it feels like a step in the right direction.
Daily Bliss: blossoms on my bean plants and a tomato plant that's thriving!
Wake-Up Playlist: Coldplay, The Scientist
With this tropical system - what is it, Ida? - in place, there has been no light for doing any more of those portraits. I'm starting to get concerned that I won't have what I need for my homework! Aaak! In the meantime, though, I'm building a PVC structure to hold my black backdrop so that I can take it anywhere, baby! Just like I'm some kind of real photographer!
We went to Home Depot last night to buy the pipes for it and the kids were very complain-y. They really hate going to those types of stores. They were behaving in ways that I don't normally see from my children. I was getting a little embarrassed. Then I showed them how the plumbing aisle works. How the boxes of fittings are all color-coded to indicate size and how all the fittings work with all the pipes. Like giant white Legos, kind of. Let me tell you, Emma's eyes lit up. She had Big Plans flooding her little head. It's really fun to find those random objects that spark imagination in your kids. It turned an obligatory, dreary task into a moment of fun and learning. Like magic.
We are finding our magic wherever we can these days.
Chris and I watched a little movie called The Brothers Bloom the other night. I don't typically endorse movies and I don't mean to do so now, but I rather enjoyed it and thought it was imaginative. Here's the thing I really loved about the movie: it presents a question that I ask myself often (not out loud or anything, 'cause people would think I'm nuts) - if you live your life like a story you are writing, is it really authentic? If your actions are dictated by the story you're telling, the character you're playing, instead of arising organically out of who you are, are you being real?
I mean, I live my life like it's a story all the time. I sometimes decide what I want to wear or listen to by deciding what kind of story I want to tell on that day. And I wonder if those things that I do, making decisions like I'm writing fiction, make my life less real. If my actions are dictated by an imaginary storyline, are they really, truly mine? Or are they just part of a character I made up?
It's not like the question really, truly bothers me. It was more like, I was watching that movie, identifying strongly with the female lead character (she's eccentric and she collects hobbies! hello, me!) and thinking, "Hey! I totally get what they're saying here!" in a way that doesn't usually happen.
So. Anyway. Cute movie.
My neck MRI turned up little more than normal wear and tear, which is a good thing. Just a little smidge of something that was caused by the accident, but overall, my biggest problem will be that herniated disc in my low back. That was a relief. It looks like I'll only be in physical therapy another couple of weeks at the most, which is also a relief. I'm looking forward to having my life back. I'm even looking forward to the schedule I'd originally worked for this fall, thinking at the time that it would be nearly an impossible schedule to follow. Turns out, it would be almost a vacation in comparison to what life has brought us.
I don't mean that in a bad way, a woe-is-me-way or any kind of negative way at all. I'm just tired. I'm ready to find my mojo again. I want to feel like I'm creative and spontaneous instead of feeling like I'm ruled by the next item on my list. Constantly. And I want to breathe. I want to have time to shave. Big-time. I want to look forward to Christmas this year instead of dreading the stress and hassle.
Will the End of Physical Therapy mean all those things? Nope. But right now, it feels like a step in the right direction.
Daily Bliss: blossoms on my bean plants and a tomato plant that's thriving!
Wake-Up Playlist: Coldplay, The Scientist
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Sneaking Suspicion
You know that feeling we girls all have at one time or another - the one that whispers to our brains, "If it weren't for you, the world might stop turning?"
Sometimes I suspect that if the world did, in fact, stop turning, it might somehow be my fault.
I'm just sayin'.
Sometimes I suspect that if the world did, in fact, stop turning, it might somehow be my fault.
I'm just sayin'.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A Door
My life's path has narrowed quite a bit these past few months, as I've previously (over)shared. We were having dinner with some friends last night and talking about, you know, The Big Stuff, and the way I put it was that, as things squeeze down on a person, you start looking for a door - an exit onto a new path. Everyone has those times in life and in the past, as those times have come my way, God has always
always
opened a door for me.
I think that what has been frustrating for me this time around is that nothing has opened. I have been desperately looking for that open door and have even decided I'd jump through a window if that's all that came my way. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I know some of you have been worried about me (as is evidenced by the arm pats and furrowed brows and how-are-you-doing-honeys). I'm not really going to jump out of a window.
Anyway.
So I have felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, with no inkling of what to do next - of how to make things better. And it's been a pretty long fumbling season.
But today, I think that door has finally opened up. My piano teacher called me.
She and her husband run the music studio where my kids take all their lessons and I love the philosophy of teaching and the welcoming environment that they provide for kids of all abilities and ages.
I had my first piano lesson last week and she called me today to offer me a few classes - not to take, but to teach! I would like to state, for the record, that when I hung up the phone, I bawled like a baby girl. I mean, I can't quit my day job or anything like that, and it will add an incredible amount of extra busy-ness to our already incredibly insane schedule, but I'm stickin' my foot through that open door so that it can't close back up.
And I'm so stinkin' excited about it!
always
opened a door for me.
I think that what has been frustrating for me this time around is that nothing has opened. I have been desperately looking for that open door and have even decided I'd jump through a window if that's all that came my way. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I know some of you have been worried about me (as is evidenced by the arm pats and furrowed brows and how-are-you-doing-honeys). I'm not really going to jump out of a window.
Anyway.
So I have felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, with no inkling of what to do next - of how to make things better. And it's been a pretty long fumbling season.
But today, I think that door has finally opened up. My piano teacher called me.
She and her husband run the music studio where my kids take all their lessons and I love the philosophy of teaching and the welcoming environment that they provide for kids of all abilities and ages.
I had my first piano lesson last week and she called me today to offer me a few classes - not to take, but to teach! I would like to state, for the record, that when I hung up the phone, I bawled like a baby girl. I mean, I can't quit my day job or anything like that, and it will add an incredible amount of extra busy-ness to our already incredibly insane schedule, but I'm stickin' my foot through that open door so that it can't close back up.
And I'm so stinkin' excited about it!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Onward
I've hemmed and hawed about this post because I haven't been sure of how honest I really want to be. I mean, if I were bold and honest and told the whole tale, there would be so many words that your attention would likely be lost. And I really like your attention. If we were having coffee and just talking, there would be so much more to say, and if you want to have coffee and just talk, let me know. I'm happy to share more.
I had planned to have some sort of triumphant comeback post - you know, "I took some time off and beat the blues and now I'm back! Roar!" But it just isn't happening that way yet and I miss you, so this is more of a "I'm still not sure what's next and I'm not functioning at 100% yet, but I'm mostly back" post. There will be some changes, in my life and in my blog. I'm not sure yet what all of them will be, but here's how things have gone this summer and where things seem to be going:
I have been in a long season, during which it seems the things that I hold in my hands are just crumbling* - our church, friendships, my job, my home expansion hopes, and now my sweet little free car. Some of this has gone on for a while, some of it has been more recent. I am kind of a scrappy little thing. When something doesn't go the way I think it should, I tend to fight it. So, I have found myself scuffling with all facets of my life this summer. And at some point, the smart girl in me spoke up and wisely suggested that I should just lay low for a bit.
For a while now, in our late-night, glass-of-wine, let's-get-serious conversations, I have been saying to Chris that something needs to give. Those conversations usually end with a plan to tackle the "something" that seems to be the most pressing problem and beat it into submission. My success rate has been abysmal. In the end, it appears that the "something" needing to give is me. And it doesn't matter how many Personal Programs for Greatness I may devise and chart on paper, it comes down to some bigger change than can be accomplished with schedules and budgets. And that bigger change is the thing I haven't quite grasped yet. But maybe it's good that I don't hold the solution in my hands just yet (see previous paragraph).
I have been in similar spots before - times when I was sure something new needed to happen. That's how I've acquired most of my hobbies, honestly. When plagued with itchy dissatisfaction, I have always soothed myself by conquering something new. And I have been awfully proud of the fact that I have chosen to conquer things that fit neatly into my Nice Mommy paradigm. Nice mommies knit and sew and cook and throw fantastic birthday parties. Nice mommies know how to feed their family gourmet meals on a serious budget with home-grown vegetables. Nice mommies...well, you know. So, the things I take up always multi-task. They fill my need for creativity, but also serve a purpose in the lives of my family and friends. Things that feed others and fulfill me in the process. Don't get me wrong - I think it's a good thing to find ways to give to others and fulfill yourself at the same time.
I just mean that I think it's time for me to try a new sort of "something new" as I'm fumbling around and seeking a change.
This time, I'm going to try a couple of things that are just for me. They don't provide for anyone else - at least, not directly.
I'm going to do some things because I want to do them.
Not because they fit into my Nice Mommy paradigm.
Not because it will save me money if I learn how to make it myself.
Not because it will show other people how much I like them.
But just because.
There are things I secretly wish I was brave enough to do.
Things I've always wished I could conquer, but have been desperately afraid to attempt, because not winning - not being the best - would be so unbearably devastating.
This fall, I'm taking a photography class. I registered for college, which cost me a lot of cool points. I have fought really hard against being so cliche, but I got over my silly self and joined up with all the other moms who go back to school when their kids get a little bigger. I don't really have a desire to earn a degree or anything crazy like that (wink), I just want to explore something new - something I like. I might not be very good. But I need to learn to be okay with that. I also need to learn to be okay with taking classes from a not-quite-prestigious school. I have lots of smart friends with impressive degrees from astounding places. And I won't be one of them. Did you hear that gulping noise? That was me swallowing my pride.
I'm also taking piano lessons. That's a big one for me. It's something I have always loved. It's the one thing I loved so much that I let it go because I was afraid I couldn't be the best, even though I look back and realize that I was very good. And I've decided that I'm ready to let it back into my life. I may never be a concert pianist and I may never conquer that dang Revolutionary Etude (Ah, Chopin! You have long been a source of vexation!), but I want to play again just because I love it. Because I want to. I'm going to do it for me this time. Even if I suck at it.
Which is possible.
There will be changes in my blogging habits, too. I'm going to try a split-personality thing and maintain two very different blogs. I will write a bit more about that soon - when I have the other one ready to go.
I don't want to subject you to too much of my self-analysis and inner dialogue. I'm sure you can read between the lines above and see where I have been and what's been on my mind. It doesn't take much effort to see that many doors in my life have closed at once, so I am cutting open a new one myself. Lest you mistake me for an intrepid soul, hacking my own way through the jungle of life armed only with a pair of knitting needles and my keen intellect, know I am not actually a brave girl. I'm tired of getting smacked every time I take a step along the path I thought I was supposed to follow, so finding a new direction is the only thing left for me to do. It takes all the bravery I can muster to simply be open about things that really matter to me. Nothing is more frightening to me than messing up in front of people and I have found that, as long as I keep to things that don't matter much to me, making mistakes isn't as painful.
So, maybe (but I'm not really sure) the bigger change that needs to happen in me is that I need to be brave.
I hope that all makes sense without making anyone worry! Daily life continues around here - school is about to begin and we are settling our schedule of music lessons and chess and tech club and band concerts and crazy family life. I'm adding lessons and school for myself on top of what we already do.
My house will not be clean.
The dishes will probably not be washed every day.
We might even have to eat at McDonald's sometimes.
I will have to knit less.
I will have to sew less.
I will have to let go of more.
But I think it will be good.
*I want to make it clear that not all of these things are crumbling in a bad way, just that the things as I know them are all up in the air...all changing at once, some for better and some for worse.
I had planned to have some sort of triumphant comeback post - you know, "I took some time off and beat the blues and now I'm back! Roar!" But it just isn't happening that way yet and I miss you, so this is more of a "I'm still not sure what's next and I'm not functioning at 100% yet, but I'm mostly back" post. There will be some changes, in my life and in my blog. I'm not sure yet what all of them will be, but here's how things have gone this summer and where things seem to be going:
I have been in a long season, during which it seems the things that I hold in my hands are just crumbling* - our church, friendships, my job, my home expansion hopes, and now my sweet little free car. Some of this has gone on for a while, some of it has been more recent. I am kind of a scrappy little thing. When something doesn't go the way I think it should, I tend to fight it. So, I have found myself scuffling with all facets of my life this summer. And at some point, the smart girl in me spoke up and wisely suggested that I should just lay low for a bit.
For a while now, in our late-night, glass-of-wine, let's-get-serious conversations, I have been saying to Chris that something needs to give. Those conversations usually end with a plan to tackle the "something" that seems to be the most pressing problem and beat it into submission. My success rate has been abysmal. In the end, it appears that the "something" needing to give is me. And it doesn't matter how many Personal Programs for Greatness I may devise and chart on paper, it comes down to some bigger change than can be accomplished with schedules and budgets. And that bigger change is the thing I haven't quite grasped yet. But maybe it's good that I don't hold the solution in my hands just yet (see previous paragraph).
I have been in similar spots before - times when I was sure something new needed to happen. That's how I've acquired most of my hobbies, honestly. When plagued with itchy dissatisfaction, I have always soothed myself by conquering something new. And I have been awfully proud of the fact that I have chosen to conquer things that fit neatly into my Nice Mommy paradigm. Nice mommies knit and sew and cook and throw fantastic birthday parties. Nice mommies know how to feed their family gourmet meals on a serious budget with home-grown vegetables. Nice mommies...well, you know. So, the things I take up always multi-task. They fill my need for creativity, but also serve a purpose in the lives of my family and friends. Things that feed others and fulfill me in the process. Don't get me wrong - I think it's a good thing to find ways to give to others and fulfill yourself at the same time.
I just mean that I think it's time for me to try a new sort of "something new" as I'm fumbling around and seeking a change.
This time, I'm going to try a couple of things that are just for me. They don't provide for anyone else - at least, not directly.
I'm going to do some things because I want to do them.
Not because they fit into my Nice Mommy paradigm.
Not because it will save me money if I learn how to make it myself.
Not because it will show other people how much I like them.
But just because.
There are things I secretly wish I was brave enough to do.
Things I've always wished I could conquer, but have been desperately afraid to attempt, because not winning - not being the best - would be so unbearably devastating.
This fall, I'm taking a photography class. I registered for college, which cost me a lot of cool points. I have fought really hard against being so cliche, but I got over my silly self and joined up with all the other moms who go back to school when their kids get a little bigger. I don't really have a desire to earn a degree or anything crazy like that (wink), I just want to explore something new - something I like. I might not be very good. But I need to learn to be okay with that. I also need to learn to be okay with taking classes from a not-quite-prestigious school. I have lots of smart friends with impressive degrees from astounding places. And I won't be one of them. Did you hear that gulping noise? That was me swallowing my pride.
I'm also taking piano lessons. That's a big one for me. It's something I have always loved. It's the one thing I loved so much that I let it go because I was afraid I couldn't be the best, even though I look back and realize that I was very good. And I've decided that I'm ready to let it back into my life. I may never be a concert pianist and I may never conquer that dang Revolutionary Etude (Ah, Chopin! You have long been a source of vexation!), but I want to play again just because I love it. Because I want to. I'm going to do it for me this time. Even if I suck at it.
Which is possible.
There will be changes in my blogging habits, too. I'm going to try a split-personality thing and maintain two very different blogs. I will write a bit more about that soon - when I have the other one ready to go.
I don't want to subject you to too much of my self-analysis and inner dialogue. I'm sure you can read between the lines above and see where I have been and what's been on my mind. It doesn't take much effort to see that many doors in my life have closed at once, so I am cutting open a new one myself. Lest you mistake me for an intrepid soul, hacking my own way through the jungle of life armed only with a pair of knitting needles and my keen intellect, know I am not actually a brave girl. I'm tired of getting smacked every time I take a step along the path I thought I was supposed to follow, so finding a new direction is the only thing left for me to do. It takes all the bravery I can muster to simply be open about things that really matter to me. Nothing is more frightening to me than messing up in front of people and I have found that, as long as I keep to things that don't matter much to me, making mistakes isn't as painful.
So, maybe (but I'm not really sure) the bigger change that needs to happen in me is that I need to be brave.
I hope that all makes sense without making anyone worry! Daily life continues around here - school is about to begin and we are settling our schedule of music lessons and chess and tech club and band concerts and crazy family life. I'm adding lessons and school for myself on top of what we already do.
My house will not be clean.
The dishes will probably not be washed every day.
We might even have to eat at McDonald's sometimes.
I will have to knit less.
I will have to sew less.
I will have to let go of more.
But I think it will be good.
*I want to make it clear that not all of these things are crumbling in a bad way, just that the things as I know them are all up in the air...all changing at once, some for better and some for worse.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Resurfacing
(splutter)
(gasp!)
Ahem.
I am resurfacing to breathe now. I have read all four novels in the span of four days. My eyes are tired and my imagination hurts.
Four days have slipped into a black abyss and now I must catch up with all the daily doings that have been left undone.
I am hereby owning up to being my son's genetic benefactor when it comes to his irritatingly voracious appetite for fiction novels. I know it's my fault and I am finally willing to admit it.
There is a reason I don't often indulge.
And Allison? Yes. When we lounge on the beach all day Saturday, there will be discussion. And it will be even juicier than you can imagine ;)
(gasp!)
Ahem.
I am resurfacing to breathe now. I have read all four novels in the span of four days. My eyes are tired and my imagination hurts.
Four days have slipped into a black abyss and now I must catch up with all the daily doings that have been left undone.
I am hereby owning up to being my son's genetic benefactor when it comes to his irritatingly voracious appetite for fiction novels. I know it's my fault and I am finally willing to admit it.
There is a reason I don't often indulge.
And Allison? Yes. When we lounge on the beach all day Saturday, there will be discussion. And it will be even juicier than you can imagine ;)
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