On With the Show

I've had a few people ask, so I'll tell you all a little bit about our Saturday night. My brother and his wife gave me tickets (for my birthday) to see Counting Crows at Hard Rock Live in Orlando. They're out on tour right now with Augustana and Michael Franti & Spearhead. They're calling this tour the "Traveling Circus and Medicine Show" and that's pretty much what it is! It's a crazy, circus-y show with accordions and marching bass drums and Real Pianos (That alone made my heart pitty-pat. I'm kind of an acoustic, real-instrument gal), but it was crazy good too. Is it okay to admit that I've never been a fan of Counting Crows or anything? I mean, it isn't that I don't like them, it's just that in the 90s, I was into other stuff. That said, I was really bowled over by the quality of musicianship and the camaraderie.
Yep, you heard me.
Camaraderie - as in good fellowship (look it up). The thing I loved most about this show was that the supporting bands and the headlining act all played together. At different times. In each other's sets. Unexpectedly popping in and out of songs and with random instruments.
That was great.
It gives some of the lesser-known guys a chance to be heard. Too often, people show up late to a show in order to skip the openers and catch who they really bought tickets to see. I think that's such a shame. Experience and friends-and-relations-in-bands all tell me that lots of really amazing bands never get that big break, but they're so worth finding and their songs are probably better than the stuff you hear on the radio anyway. Not that I have an opinion. Wink.
So, it was nearly four hours of raucous fun and incredible live music. The close of the show was this huge jam session - an on-the-spot mish-mosh of all the musicians, putting out some great tunes that everybody knows and loves. Three lead singers. Multiple lead guitarists. Zero visible ego. Sure, it's possible somebody up there was a diva, but they sure kept it to themselves, and every one of them looked like they were having such a great time.
Now, that's incredible!

In other on-with-the-show news, today was Emma's first day back to school. Andrew still has another week of summer, which is a little odd, so I sort of feel like we're limping into fall at this point. We got up early, but not early enough. We'd had something of a miscommunication about what time we needed to be out of bed - as in, I might not have actually told Chris when to wake us all up. He gets up early and I. Do. Not.
So, Emma donned her shiny new pink backpack and pink Nikes and her P.E. uniform, since they always have to wear those on Mondays, and Third Grade began.
(sorry this is so dark!)

She has the same teacher Andrew had for Third Grade, so we kind of know what to expect, which is good. For the first time ever, I didn't sob buckets of tears as I pulled out of the school. Maybe there are just too many good things in our lives right now for me to be bothered with my usual sentimentality. Maybe I'm too busy for tears.
Whichever one it is, I'm okay with it. For better or for worse, my wish for 2009 seems to have come true.

Daily Bliss: A phone call from my bestie - 15 minutes of laughing 'till I had tears over the most serious things in life. I know that doesn't sound quite right, but it works for us.

A Weekend

Ah, summer. It's nearly over in our household.
The kids both had one final sleepover last night. Emma went to a friend's house that she hasn't seen in a long time - she's been so excited that she's hardly slept for two nights! And we ended up with one of Drew's friends over here.
I like ending up with the boys. I always know how to keep them happy - food and video games. Maybe it's because I had brothers, but maybe it's just because boys are that simple. I gave them stuff to make miniature s'mores, which was a big hit! You use a candle to roast mini marshmallows and stack them on graham cracker flavored Goldfish with bits of a snack-sized Hershey's bar. Drew's friend brought over his Wii guitar and they played Guitar Hero forever, taking frequent breaks to make another s'more. I'm sure it was guy heaven.
I had a busy week prepping for the busy season that starts on Monday. Emma's school starts this Monday and Drew's starts a week from Monday. Whew. I've been having no small amount of anxiety, wondering how I'm going to balance everything on my plate now. The thing is, though, I think a lot of it will be stuff I really love to do. So I'm counting on that to keep me sane.
I crashed last night. Somewhere around 11, I sat down to do something, laid my head down for a minute, and that was it. I was gone.
So today, I'm a little refreshed after all that sleep. I'm going to eat my cinnamon toast, drink my coffee and head out shopping with some of my favorite girlfriends to my favorite store on earth (Anthropologie!), where I'm going to spend my birthday money and a very thoughtful birthday gift card. I'm going to get something super-nice to wear because I have a date tonight with my honey. We're going to a concert (Counting Crows), which was another birthday gift.
Hey! It's like another birthday or something around here, except without getting any older. Sweet!

I heart weekends.

A Tutorial For You

If you are just dying to run into five families you haven't seen in ten years, plus parishioners of the church where you work, here's how it's done:

1) Make sure that you are helping your mom run a few errands and your feet hurt from your ever-so-pretty shoes that lied to your feet (they said they'd be soft as flower petals - ha!).
2) Trade out your pretty shoes for a pair of your mom's Crocs - you know, the flip flop kind. Do not even consider changing out of your work clothes. What we are going for here is flip flop Crocs with black dress pants and a flowy shirt.
3) Forget brushing your daughter's hair. Your children shouldn't be seen as a reflection of you anyway.
4) Also, little mascara flakes on the dark circles under your otherwise un-made-up eyes will help.
5) Prance through the doors of Target at 8:00 PM like you haven't a care in the world.

Results guaranteed!

A Door

My life's path has narrowed quite a bit these past few months, as I've previously (over)shared. We were having dinner with some friends last night and talking about, you know, The Big Stuff, and the way I put it was that, as things squeeze down on a person, you start looking for a door - an exit onto a new path. Everyone has those times in life and in the past, as those times have come my way, God has always

always

opened a door for me.
I think that what has been frustrating for me this time around is that nothing has opened. I have been desperately looking for that open door and have even decided I'd jump through a window if that's all that came my way. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I know some of you have been worried about me (as is evidenced by the arm pats and furrowed brows and how-are-you-doing-honeys). I'm not really going to jump out of a window.
Anyway.
So I have felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, with no inkling of what to do next - of how to make things better. And it's been a pretty long fumbling season.

But today, I think that door has finally opened up. My piano teacher called me.
She and her husband run the music studio where my kids take all their lessons and I love the philosophy of teaching and the welcoming environment that they provide for kids of all abilities and ages.
I had my first piano lesson last week and she called me today to offer me a few classes - not to take, but to teach! I would like to state, for the record, that when I hung up the phone, I bawled like a baby girl. I mean, I can't quit my day job or anything like that, and it will add an incredible amount of extra busy-ness to our already incredibly insane schedule, but I'm stickin' my foot through that open door so that it can't close back up.

And I'm so stinkin' excited about it!

Peaches

We have spent most of this weekend discussing our budget. Bleah.
I mean, everybody has to do it, but it's not very much fun, right? School is starting up and there are expenses to be considered, grocery prices are rising and gas ain't gettin' any cheaper, blah, blah, blah.
But we have found that we need to budget our time as well. We are definitely a busy family. People ask me often how we "do it all" and I have to just shake my head and reply that really, we don't. We do lots of things, but there are other things that we don't do, and for the most part, it works out to make us about as busy as the average family-of-four-with-a-dog-and-a-mortgage.
The schedule (and the budget, honestly) look a little scary on paper. When it came down to buying groceries this week, I really felt pinched. It was mostly psychological, I guess, but with dollar signs on the brain, you start looking for ways to be even more frugal than before.
And with recovery from last week on the brain as well (the car's problem is the transmission - as in, it needs one - and we all had some sort of flu which we are not quite over yet), I was looking for comfort.
Comfort and frugality.
Hmmm.
Peaches are in season.
"In season" means super-cheap.
So, tonight, we are having peach pie.
For dinner.
It was so soothing to stand barefoot in the kitchen, wearing a cheery apron, peeling peach fuzz and rolling out pie crust.
It's soothing to smell it baking in the oven, cinnamon wafting through the air, hinting at the change of season that will be upon us sooner than we can fathom.
Maybe it was not so soothing, though, to be stuck with that Presidents of the United States of America song looping through my head...millions of peaches, peaches for me; millions of peaches, peaches for free...
As it is, though, peaches make me pretty happy - songs or no songs.

Know what else makes me happy? This picture:

This is Emma and Winnipeg. My friend Allison sent me a few pictures in the mail this week (along with my makeup bag that I left at her house - we can all understand that, with the flu and a broken car and no makeup, I looked rather a mess last week, can't we?) that she took during our Artists' Retreat.
Those two are both wearing The Face of Pure Joy.

I'll probably be wearing that same face when I get to eat my piece of pie.

Onward

I've hemmed and hawed about this post because I haven't been sure of how honest I really want to be. I mean, if I were bold and honest and told the whole tale, there would be so many words that your attention would likely be lost. And I really like your attention. If we were having coffee and just talking, there would be so much more to say, and if you want to have coffee and just talk, let me know. I'm happy to share more.
I had planned to have some sort of triumphant comeback post - you know, "I took some time off and beat the blues and now I'm back! Roar!" But it just isn't happening that way yet and I miss you, so this is more of a "I'm still not sure what's next and I'm not functioning at 100% yet, but I'm mostly back" post. There will be some changes, in my life and in my blog. I'm not sure yet what all of them will be, but here's how things have gone this summer and where things seem to be going:

I have been in a long season, during which it seems the things that I hold in my hands are just crumbling* - our church, friendships, my job, my home expansion hopes, and now my sweet little free car. Some of this has gone on for a while, some of it has been more recent. I am kind of a scrappy little thing. When something doesn't go the way I think it should, I tend to fight it. So, I have found myself scuffling with all facets of my life this summer. And at some point, the smart girl in me spoke up and wisely suggested that I should just lay low for a bit.
For a while now, in our late-night, glass-of-wine, let's-get-serious conversations, I have been saying to Chris that something needs to give. Those conversations usually end with a plan to tackle the "something" that seems to be the most pressing problem and beat it into submission. My success rate has been abysmal. In the end, it appears that the "something" needing to give is me. And it doesn't matter how many Personal Programs for Greatness I may devise and chart on paper, it comes down to some bigger change than can be accomplished with schedules and budgets. And that bigger change is the thing I haven't quite grasped yet. But maybe it's good that I don't hold the solution in my hands just yet (see previous paragraph).
I have been in similar spots before - times when I was sure something new needed to happen. That's how I've acquired most of my hobbies, honestly. When plagued with itchy dissatisfaction, I have always soothed myself by conquering something new. And I have been awfully proud of the fact that I have chosen to conquer things that fit neatly into my Nice Mommy paradigm. Nice mommies knit and sew and cook and throw fantastic birthday parties. Nice mommies know how to feed their family gourmet meals on a serious budget with home-grown vegetables. Nice mommies...well, you know. So, the things I take up always multi-task. They fill my need for creativity, but also serve a purpose in the lives of my family and friends. Things that feed others and fulfill me in the process. Don't get me wrong - I think it's a good thing to find ways to give to others and fulfill yourself at the same time.

I just mean that I think it's time for me to try a new sort of "something new" as I'm fumbling around and seeking a change.

This time, I'm going to try a couple of things that are just for me. They don't provide for anyone else - at least, not directly.
I'm going to do some things because I want to do them.
Not because they fit into my Nice Mommy paradigm.
Not because it will save me money if I learn how to make it myself.
Not because it will show other people how much I like them.
But just because.

There are things I secretly wish I was brave enough to do.
Things I've always wished I could conquer, but have been desperately afraid to attempt, because not winning - not being the best - would be so unbearably devastating.

This fall, I'm taking a photography class. I registered for college, which cost me a lot of cool points. I have fought really hard against being so cliche, but I got over my silly self and joined up with all the other moms who go back to school when their kids get a little bigger. I don't really have a desire to earn a degree or anything crazy like that (wink), I just want to explore something new - something I like. I might not be very good. But I need to learn to be okay with that. I also need to learn to be okay with taking classes from a not-quite-prestigious school. I have lots of smart friends with impressive degrees from astounding places. And I won't be one of them. Did you hear that gulping noise? That was me swallowing my pride.

I'm also taking piano lessons. That's a big one for me. It's something I have always loved. It's the one thing I loved so much that I let it go because I was afraid I couldn't be the best, even though I look back and realize that I was very good. And I've decided that I'm ready to let it back into my life. I may never be a concert pianist and I may never conquer that dang Revolutionary Etude (Ah, Chopin! You have long been a source of vexation!), but I want to play again just because I love it. Because I want to. I'm going to do it for me this time. Even if I suck at it.

Which is possible.

There will be changes in my blogging habits, too. I'm going to try a split-personality thing and maintain two very different blogs. I will write a bit more about that soon - when I have the other one ready to go.

I don't want to subject you to too much of my self-analysis and inner dialogue. I'm sure you can read between the lines above and see where I have been and what's been on my mind. It doesn't take much effort to see that many doors in my life have closed at once, so I am cutting open a new one myself. Lest you mistake me for an intrepid soul, hacking my own way through the jungle of life armed only with a pair of knitting needles and my keen intellect, know I am not actually a brave girl. I'm tired of getting smacked every time I take a step along the path I thought I was supposed to follow, so finding a new direction is the only thing left for me to do. It takes all the bravery I can muster to simply be open about things that really matter to me. Nothing is more frightening to me than messing up in front of people and I have found that, as long as I keep to things that don't matter much to me, making mistakes isn't as painful.
So, maybe (but I'm not really sure) the bigger change that needs to happen in me is that I need to be brave.

I hope that all makes sense without making anyone worry! Daily life continues around here - school is about to begin and we are settling our schedule of music lessons and chess and tech club and band concerts and crazy family life. I'm adding lessons and school for myself on top of what we already do.
My house will not be clean.
The dishes will probably not be washed every day.
We might even have to eat at McDonald's sometimes.
I will have to knit less.
I will have to sew less.
I will have to let go of more.

But I think it will be good.

*I want to make it clear that not all of these things are crumbling in a bad way, just that the things as I know them are all up in the air...all changing at once, some for better and some for worse.

Retreat

This weekend...oh, this weekend! I took my girl on an Artists' Retreat. Now, this is not an official thing, it's just something we made up. My friend Allison has some property way out in the sticks in south Florida and she's a creative soul too. So, Emma and I packed up our supplies and headed down to Allison's for a weekend getaway filled with creativity and rest. This was a weekend to remember - adventure waited for us around every corner!
When we arrived, we discovered we were all wearing the Artists' Uniform - black. Perfect. We loaded into Alli's car and drove to a coffeehouse for open mic night. Emma felt very grown-up ordering her coffee drink from the barista and we enjoyed listening to another girl named Emma singing songs and strumming on her guitar.

It was getting late, though, and we hadn't eaten yet, so we slid out the door between performers and went to La Casita, one of Allison's favorite little Mexican restaurants. Isn't it the cutest?

I love all the colors! The food was fantastic too - muy autentico!
On the way home, in the dark, we happened upon a bull in the road. He was unconcerned about how in-the-way he was, and simply continued munching on the tasty weeds that had presumably lured him out of his own territory. Did I mention that she lives away from normal, civilized life? No matter. I really like funny critters.
In the morning, we feasted on blueberry muffins and drove straightaway to Fort Myers beach, seeking some inspiration. We brought watercolors with us and accomplished a bit of indigenous art - we used the ocean water to bring all the paint to life.

Certainly, beautiful colors and eye-catching objects were found everywhere.
Much to our delight, a pair of dolphins glided by, so close to the shore that we were able to enjoy them fully. Once we started getting a little sweaty, though, we packed up and headed back inland.

There was a tourist-trap mini-golf course that looked interesting. Upon discovering the (choke) price (cough) of admission (sputter), we opted for their cheaper form of entertainment - feeding the baby gators for $3! Basically, we loaded dog treats onto fishing poles and dangled them over the edge of the dock while the little chompers snapped away.

We wiled away Saturday afternoon drawing, writing, reading and relaxing, then struck out for another beach to picnic and paint until the sun went down. We drove the length of Sanibel Island and arrived at Captiva, one of the most beautiful beaches I think I've ever seen. We unpacked our dinner and realized with amusement that we were eating a "C" dinner by the sea - cherries, currants, crackers and cookies.
But the rain that had been threatening decided to come on down. We hemmed and hawed and eventually decided to head south, hoping to still catch the setting sun on a less rainy beach.

As we drove south, our hopes were realized. The rain was clearing and Allison knew just where to go. Bonita Springs. As soon as we parked and saw the canopy of sea grapes leading us up over the walkway, it was obvious that we were exactly where we were supposed to be.

Alli and I set up Emma's easel, and she set shells all along its ledge. Then she set to work.

She was so beautiful, lost in thought, soaking in the moment.

I had completely forgotten to bring some canvas for her, so we improvised and she painted on the back of a watercolor paper tablet.

But it was no matter. The moment too important to miss for lack of proper supplies.

Sunday morning found us rested and happy, but already feeling a little sad that the weekend was coming to an end. Once we had breakfasted and dressed, we explored Allison's property a little bit.
Emma and Winnipeg, the Great Dane, were fast friends by this time and they enjoyed a romp in the tall grasses.



And I found lots of green places and trees that seemed to invite me in and ask me to stay.



Of course, I couldn't stay.

But the weekend did build up my emotional reserves. I have found myself easily exhausted and unable to draw from my own deep well because it has rather emptied itself. I suppose I will follow up soon with a bit more information.
When I can.
Because I immediately had to draw on the reserves this weekend provided.
I started getting sick on Saturday night and found, as I drove home, that I began to feel worse. And just as I was feeling worse, my car died - about an hour from home.
It's bad - I don't think the car is coming back to life.
And I borrowed a back-up car this morning to get to work. This was a day that both kids would be coming with me to work. I sweated and sniffled and packed lunches and got dressed, got everyone buckled in and ready to go.
And the back-up car didn't work either.
The good news is that I should have stayed in bed anyway, and now I don't have a choice but to do just that.
I don't really understand what's going on right now, but I know it's not good. I know it hasn't been good for a bit. But I know it won't last either.
I'll check in again soon - when I am feeling a bit better.