Well, I made a generalized emotional statement yesterday, consequently, the ONE THING that was picked up by my Faithful Commenters out of yesterday's blog was that I was reminded (perhaps in a regretful way) of how different I am as an adult than I was as a teenager, and everyone (meaning both of you) seems to be curious to know how I have changed, so I will attempt to answer that question. Mind you, this is the sort of internal dialogue I usually reserve for birthdays (I take stock on my birthday every year) and it will be long. I have actually ruthlessly edited what I originally typed.
I think that in this instance, it was more of a spiritual reminder for me. So here's a picture of me right now and a little bit of what I remember about myself from back then:
I used to be more righteous,
But I was also more self-righteous.
I used to know where I stood on important matters,
Now I frequently call my opinions into question. Sometimes even my beliefs.
Maybe I'm just more open-minded, but I'm not sure if that's entirely good. Sometimes open-minded can just mean that you don’t know what you think and you’re waiting for a good suggestion.
I've toned my idealism down a few shades and it looks a lot more like optimism now.
I've never taken much stock in other people's opinions of me. I still don't. I like to know what they think, but in the end, it doesn't really matter to me that much. Well, there is a handful of people whose opinions I really care about - my family, my husband, a small cluster of old friends…..
But on a lighter note, I am much less reserved than I used to be. Which is scary, I guess, because some may remember me as not being very reserved at all.
I have learned that there is more to life than mommy-hood. It’s all I had ever planned to be, and now I find that I will need a plan B. Notice I said “mommy.” Being a mom is worlds apart from being a mommy. You never stop being a mom. There is a difference.
I’m definitely more confident than I used to be. I don’t have the self-image problems anymore that plagued me and most young girls (and, frankly most adult women). Sure, I could stand to lose a few pounds. But…..my body gave me a couple of fantastic kids. I can forgive it.
Gray hair? Got it at 18. It’s not a big deal. In fact, it’s a fantastic excuse to try out a wild shade of red on your head. Wrinkles? I have a few…..it’ll probably be a big deal in 10 more years.
As an explanation of yesterday’s comment, I think it's just par for the course that some of life's mud will stick to you if you are determined to live your life off the beaten path. I have expected that much. I think I was just feeling wistful for a time when I wasn't dirty yet. Does that make sense?
Seeing my friend reminded me of the sweetness (maybe that’s not the right word...was I sweet?) I used to have and simplicity of earlier years. I wouldn't trade who I am today for who I was then, but sometimes, I wish that my beliefs and my thoughts could be that simple and pure again. I have fewer and fewer good answers to life's deep questions. We say that ignorance is bliss. Perhaps I was just ignorant back then. Couldn’t we just make wisdom bliss instead? If so, I hope I’m headed in the right direction.
So, thanks, this has been a timely opportunity for me. I needed to carve out some time to listen to what my heart's been up to while my body's been busy with life. I told Chris that I needed to do some writing. He asked me what kind and I said, "the vomitous kind." He looked at me in a very confused way. I explained that I needed to get whatever was sitting in my gut out so that I could feel better. Then I apologized for the fact that he has an overly dramatic wife. But I'm not really sorry. He's the one that asked me. Most of what I wrote will never be seen by other eyes, but it's still a good thing to do.
DAILY BLISS: walking in the door to find my kids and my friend playing twister and swinging on the kids' swings in the back yard - oh! and riling up my neighbor's chickens
5 comments:
That's a great post, Christy. I have seen a lot of the same changes in my life, too. You have inspired me to write a more expository post some time soon regarding my journey to date, as I'm sure you know little about me as an adult. In the same way, you haven't changed in my mind. You're still that gregarious, kind girl, and you always will be, even if our families meet and get to know one another better some day (you and my wife would get along well).
Without making this a long, philosophical comment... I'll just say that I think that the younger Christy will always be. She's in your kids and your brothers and family... everyone who knew you. Heck, we're all still there in Polk County, somewhere, no matter how far away we live now. And we're still 16, 17, and 18. We don't lose those years because we've added a few.
I'm so glad you shared this. It's pretty much what I expected; I could have written much of the same words about my own life. I love the morphing process from child into adult...can't wait to see how we all continue to change.
Thanks for the kind words, guys! It's always a little scary to put your heart out there...
I do think that these are things that most people go through - ways that we all change - but most people don't find the time to think about it and enjoy the process.
Joe, I consider it a high compliment that you think your wife and I would be friends! I am seriously looking forward to your "expository" post! And, yes, you are still about sixteen in my mind....extremely intelligent, a little bit cocky, a practiced and true gentleman, and loads of fun :)
Well, I smile at your reflection of youth. When you get to be my age you smile a lot - you know, that "knowing smile". It is not that I know exactly what you are going through but I know the journey and that when you've gone through it - life is better on THIS side. It's only the old scuffling scowly men or the cross old bitties who have never reflected on the goodness of life or the morphing of character, beliefs and life's stages that give all us older folks a bad name.
Congratulations. You are on your way to that warm, deep-breathed, eye-wrinkling smile ... life is good.
Sweet? I can testify you were indeed sweet, but that doesn't really do it justice, don't you think? I happen to remember some times that were sweet, but much more than that, too. I must think of a word...
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