My brain wants to take a vacation, I think. It is rebellious. I have only forced it into routine for a week now and it is fighting against me at every turn. The beginning of a new school year, of course, necessitates routine....but still.....I don't have to like it.
This is why programs and motivational speakers never reach me. No matter how convincing, logical or, well, motivational someone else's program may be, my brain will rebel against it within a matter of a few days. I can tell it that, in fact, it will enjoy more free time if we just follow these five steps to a cleaner house. I can tell it that it will be happier if we just get up 30 minutes earlier to exercise. I can even tell it that family game night will be more of a regular thing if the floor has been vacuumed - that it only takes five minutes to vacuum my tiny rug. But my brain will have none of that. My brain says back to me, "I will try your puny little plan and then we will see who really is in charge here."
So, school has started. My mornings are spent ferrying children and my dog to the places they need to go. My days are spent at work (which is lovely, as far as work goes, but still....it's work). My afternoons and evenings are spent picking up the aforementioned critters, making sure that their 67 papers-per-day-each are signed and in their backpacks with their completed homework and that they have a square meal for dinner. Blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. Which is why I haven't had much to say here lately. Following routines seems to only ensure that the routine will be accomplished. No further benefits have been reaped.
And so, my brain rebels. I took an afternoon bath today at its bidding. Just to mess things up a little bit. It was lovely. "I really need this," my brain said, with droplets of guilt seeping out of the very words it had formed as it pictured the neglected children sitting outside the bathroom door, just waiting. It wasn't even a long bath. In fact, due to the fact that my old cast-iron tub doesn't retain heat well, I often measure the length of my baths in hot-water-refills. And this was only a one-warmup bath.
I have a handful of simple things that I still need to do today. My brain is refusing to focus on them, though. It isn't even that I'm especially tired. I just don't wanna (fill in the blank with any responsibility you can think of). I decided instead to share my small rebellion with you. Would that it were more scintillating or even just interesting. But surreptitious bathing is about as bad as it gets around here.
DAILY BLISS: I think I'm going to head out the door and find a bliss for today. Other than the bath, I got nothin'.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Notice Has Been Given
Emma informed me this evening that when she and David (the boy-du-jour) get married, they'll be moving to Switzerland. She read that it was peaceful there. I think she misunderstood the meaning of the word "peace".....but anyway. I told her I would miss her an awful lot, but she was still pretty resolute. She said she'd visit me twice a year, for three weeks at a time.
I've lost my daughter already and she's only six.
I negotiated and won an occasional Christmas and birthday, though.
DAILY BLISS: Loud music and my 10-year-old's ever-sharpening humor skills
I've lost my daughter already and she's only six.
I negotiated and won an occasional Christmas and birthday, though.
DAILY BLISS: Loud music and my 10-year-old's ever-sharpening humor skills
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Small Victory
Last Friday, I got my new computer at work. That was so exciting! It has Vista on it, though, so you can see where this post is going. I spent most of this week getting documents converted to the right formats and installing software, then downloading the updated versions and drivers for all of my junk. I was not made for that kind of task. I have left work each day this week with my head feeling like it's stuffed full of cotton balls. Or maybe jell-o. Or maybe jell-o-soaked cotton balls.
Anyway.
I even called tech support this week. I have never done that - I have way too much pride and I can usually figure it out - or call my dad. Then he helps me figure it out. But I didn't call Dad this time. I was pretty sure it was bad. I won't go into it here, because I will look stupid. But the nice tech support man was just as stymied as I was. He walked me through my first computer surgery. I had to take apart some of Opie's (that's O.P. - for Optiplex) insides and then re-attach them, just to be sure. I was nervous, but TM (Tech Man) told me I was doing a good job. That was slightly reassuring. In the end, none of the surgery was necessary. But TM was nice about that too. He would not have been able to guess any more than I did, he said.
I had a small victory today. I got my speakers to work. My printer? Not so much (it will only print if the document is in compatibility mode - there will be new drivers available in October!). My optical mouse and keyboard? Nope. But now, I have surround sound extraordinaire. As I was the only one in the church office today, I made the most of that. The nice speaker system never worked with my other machine. It didn't have the right kinds of ports or something. That last hour of work flew by today as I forced this little machine to obey my wishes and play the music that I told it to play through the speakers that I wanted it to use. Not that I have a problem with Opie. He's certainly nicer than cranky old Mr. Dell, his dad. Opie's also a lot faster and generally obeys me quickly. I like things that obey me.
It's just that the other guys don't like newcomers. They won't talk to him. I keep telling Opie that all he has to do is follow the little paths that are laid out for him and approach them nicely. Then they'll all get to know each other. But right now, Brother (the printer) says that they just don't speak the same language; he says that if Opie could just learn to talk to him the way he likes, things would be fine. I told Brother that it's going to be up to him to learn Opie's language. And that's that.
So I will have to wait. That October release will make Brother to obey me too. Then we'll see who talks to who!
Maybe I need to move Julianna's office closer to mine. It looks like I may need more people to talk to during the day. Or it could just be the jell-o and cotton balls....
DAILY BLISS: A phone call from junior high boyfriend (weird how my boyfriends from school are still my friends.....) that made my day and an entire car conversation about the origins and uses of belly buttons.
Anyway.
I even called tech support this week. I have never done that - I have way too much pride and I can usually figure it out - or call my dad. Then he helps me figure it out. But I didn't call Dad this time. I was pretty sure it was bad. I won't go into it here, because I will look stupid. But the nice tech support man was just as stymied as I was. He walked me through my first computer surgery. I had to take apart some of Opie's (that's O.P. - for Optiplex) insides and then re-attach them, just to be sure. I was nervous, but TM (Tech Man) told me I was doing a good job. That was slightly reassuring. In the end, none of the surgery was necessary. But TM was nice about that too. He would not have been able to guess any more than I did, he said.
I had a small victory today. I got my speakers to work. My printer? Not so much (it will only print if the document is in compatibility mode - there will be new drivers available in October!). My optical mouse and keyboard? Nope. But now, I have surround sound extraordinaire. As I was the only one in the church office today, I made the most of that. The nice speaker system never worked with my other machine. It didn't have the right kinds of ports or something. That last hour of work flew by today as I forced this little machine to obey my wishes and play the music that I told it to play through the speakers that I wanted it to use. Not that I have a problem with Opie. He's certainly nicer than cranky old Mr. Dell, his dad. Opie's also a lot faster and generally obeys me quickly. I like things that obey me.
It's just that the other guys don't like newcomers. They won't talk to him. I keep telling Opie that all he has to do is follow the little paths that are laid out for him and approach them nicely. Then they'll all get to know each other. But right now, Brother (the printer) says that they just don't speak the same language; he says that if Opie could just learn to talk to him the way he likes, things would be fine. I told Brother that it's going to be up to him to learn Opie's language. And that's that.
So I will have to wait. That October release will make Brother to obey me too. Then we'll see who talks to who!
Maybe I need to move Julianna's office closer to mine. It looks like I may need more people to talk to during the day. Or it could just be the jell-o and cotton balls....
DAILY BLISS: A phone call from junior high boyfriend (weird how my boyfriends from school are still my friends.....) that made my day and an entire car conversation about the origins and uses of belly buttons.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I Think I've Got This One
So, I haven't made any huge mistakes this week. Everybody showed up to school in dress code and I made it to work on time for the most part. All of which is good. I just have this feeling, though, of having made a bad start.
It's not due to some failure, I think it's just that I haven't lived up to my own expectations. I have stayed home for all but one summer of my children's lives. So, this was the first one with them both returning to school after a working summer for me. Normally, by the start of school, I have chore charts and responsibility lists that are framed with glass so that they can use dry erase markers to check off their lists every day (see, it's awfully efficient, not having to waste a fresh piece of paper for every day or something like that). I also have laminated the sign that goes in my car for the car line, so they know which kids to shove into my back seat. I have paperwork organized, signed and filed, and I also know what day all of their club meetings start.
None of that has happened this year. School started and I had not even checked my own list twice, not to mention the fact that I had no lists made for my children. I am surprised that we have been as pulled-together as we have. Maybe it's because they're getting older and more responsible. Andrew makes his own sandwiches for lunch now. Emma can tie her own shoes. They both remember to brush their teeth. Mostly. I think that I've gotten the picture of how their teachers work this year, as far as who needs homework signed and who has to show up with snacks to class.
Maybe I'm just getting better at this with practice.
But I can't shake that unsettled feeling. You know the one? That little voice that asks if you unplugged the iron or that quiet whisper that tells you your top button is undone? Those kind of things happen to me all the time. I'm pretty used to it. But when there are things I can control (like going into a new school year fully prepared), I control them as much as humanly possible. Maybe I'm just sensing that lack of control.
We shall see, I guess. Maybe I have neglected some important document or rule. Maybe I'll find out that it's something disastrous. But maybe.....maybe I've got this now. Maybe this is something that I have now learned how to do.
DAILY BLISS: Chris walked into the living room after dinner and looked at me, saying "It's August 23rd!" And I was thinking maybe this was the something I'd forgotten about. He waited and waited and I thought and thought. Finally, I asked him why that was important. He said, "We met fifteen years ago today!"
Geez. Fifteen years? And, you know, hooray for me that I have a hubby to remember those kinds of things. Lord knows I don't.
It's not due to some failure, I think it's just that I haven't lived up to my own expectations. I have stayed home for all but one summer of my children's lives. So, this was the first one with them both returning to school after a working summer for me. Normally, by the start of school, I have chore charts and responsibility lists that are framed with glass so that they can use dry erase markers to check off their lists every day (see, it's awfully efficient, not having to waste a fresh piece of paper for every day or something like that). I also have laminated the sign that goes in my car for the car line, so they know which kids to shove into my back seat. I have paperwork organized, signed and filed, and I also know what day all of their club meetings start.
None of that has happened this year. School started and I had not even checked my own list twice, not to mention the fact that I had no lists made for my children. I am surprised that we have been as pulled-together as we have. Maybe it's because they're getting older and more responsible. Andrew makes his own sandwiches for lunch now. Emma can tie her own shoes. They both remember to brush their teeth. Mostly. I think that I've gotten the picture of how their teachers work this year, as far as who needs homework signed and who has to show up with snacks to class.
Maybe I'm just getting better at this with practice.
But I can't shake that unsettled feeling. You know the one? That little voice that asks if you unplugged the iron or that quiet whisper that tells you your top button is undone? Those kind of things happen to me all the time. I'm pretty used to it. But when there are things I can control (like going into a new school year fully prepared), I control them as much as humanly possible. Maybe I'm just sensing that lack of control.
We shall see, I guess. Maybe I have neglected some important document or rule. Maybe I'll find out that it's something disastrous. But maybe.....maybe I've got this now. Maybe this is something that I have now learned how to do.
DAILY BLISS: Chris walked into the living room after dinner and looked at me, saying "It's August 23rd!" And I was thinking maybe this was the something I'd forgotten about. He waited and waited and I thought and thought. Finally, I asked him why that was important. He said, "We met fifteen years ago today!"
Geez. Fifteen years? And, you know, hooray for me that I have a hubby to remember those kinds of things. Lord knows I don't.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Fun For Me
Here's a look at what I've been up to:
Though this may look like a small animal being impaled upon a medieval torture device, it's not. This is going to be my brother's Christmas present. He was really excited when he found out I was learning to knit. He wants a beanie. He wants an angora beanie. The Peter Rabbit mug is there to emphasize the fact that it is 100% angora yarn - very fuzzy and very soft. The yummy yarn-in-the-mail that I mentioned before? Sandpaper.
I also mentioned yesterday about all the lotioning I've been doing. I happened to walk by the table this afternoon during the Changing of the Light (a fleeting, glowing moment that happens every afternoon in my west kitchen window), which I have not cleared off yet, and this is what I saw:
This makes my little heart flutter. I've worked hard on some real labels and pretty packaging. I even taught myself how to use some new software to make them. I ordered my first round of labels just tonight. Here's what the front and back of the sugar scrubs will look like:
And the top of one:
So, I've been a busy bee. I've also been Calamity Jane - I'm covered in scratches and bumps and bruises. This could be because I've been practically sleepwalking through my life....due to staying up too late....knitting and making things. I think I might do an Etsy shop to start with, but..but....I think I'll sleep for a couple of nights first.
DAILY BLISS: My honey's home!
Though this may look like a small animal being impaled upon a medieval torture device, it's not. This is going to be my brother's Christmas present. He was really excited when he found out I was learning to knit. He wants a beanie. He wants an angora beanie. The Peter Rabbit mug is there to emphasize the fact that it is 100% angora yarn - very fuzzy and very soft. The yummy yarn-in-the-mail that I mentioned before? Sandpaper.
I also mentioned yesterday about all the lotioning I've been doing. I happened to walk by the table this afternoon during the Changing of the Light (a fleeting, glowing moment that happens every afternoon in my west kitchen window), which I have not cleared off yet, and this is what I saw:
This makes my little heart flutter. I've worked hard on some real labels and pretty packaging. I even taught myself how to use some new software to make them. I ordered my first round of labels just tonight. Here's what the front and back of the sugar scrubs will look like:
And the top of one:
So, I've been a busy bee. I've also been Calamity Jane - I'm covered in scratches and bumps and bruises. This could be because I've been practically sleepwalking through my life....due to staying up too late....knitting and making things. I think I might do an Etsy shop to start with, but..but....I think I'll sleep for a couple of nights first.
DAILY BLISS: My honey's home!
Monday, August 20, 2007
First Day
The kids survived their first day of school for the year, and so did I. I'm pretty worn out, in no small way due to the fact that I don't sleep well when Chris is out of town. Also, I spent most of the afternoon looking for my debit card. I did eventually track it down, but - woah - scary.
Emma's teacher had the sweetest little note that she passed out to the mommies - it had a cotton ball in it to remind us of our children's soft and gentle spirits, and it had a bag of tea and a chocolate. It made me cry a little bit. They were both really glad to see their friends, and Emma went to her first Chess Club meeting. She was feelin' pretty big, I tell ya.
Here are a few photos of my big kids (notice Emma's smile - it has been strategically placed to show off that front gap):
Capped off the day making lotion and sugar scrub with my sister-in-law. That made my day! There may have been a Prince cover song that came out in the process....something about Maple Rain....
But, I have stacks and stacks of fun sitting on my table, now.
DAILY BLISS: Finding my lost debit card and dancing in the living room with my kids.
Emma's teacher had the sweetest little note that she passed out to the mommies - it had a cotton ball in it to remind us of our children's soft and gentle spirits, and it had a bag of tea and a chocolate. It made me cry a little bit. They were both really glad to see their friends, and Emma went to her first Chess Club meeting. She was feelin' pretty big, I tell ya.
Here are a few photos of my big kids (notice Emma's smile - it has been strategically placed to show off that front gap):
Capped off the day making lotion and sugar scrub with my sister-in-law. That made my day! There may have been a Prince cover song that came out in the process....something about Maple Rain....
But, I have stacks and stacks of fun sitting on my table, now.
DAILY BLISS: Finding my lost debit card and dancing in the living room with my kids.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
All Is Well
The kids are in bed. Tomorrow starts another school year. I have a first grader and a fifth grader. This is kinda freakin' me out. My fifth grader? He's up to my cheekbones. By next year, I think he'll have the size advantage. They have their funny worries about who will be in their class and whether we'll get there on time. They're also really excited to see their friends.
I'm just hoping I can get us all out the door with all the equipment we're supposed to have with us. And mostly, I'm worried about waking up on time. The DH is out of town again, and the one thing I can never seem to do by myself is wake up.
So, we will see how it goes. I'll post some pictures if I can just find fresh batteries for my camera....
DAILY BLISS: Italian ice at the ice cream shop (it's dairy-free, soy-free AND gluten-free!) and cinnamon tea in my rose chintz tea-for-one set.
I'm just hoping I can get us all out the door with all the equipment we're supposed to have with us. And mostly, I'm worried about waking up on time. The DH is out of town again, and the one thing I can never seem to do by myself is wake up.
So, we will see how it goes. I'll post some pictures if I can just find fresh batteries for my camera....
DAILY BLISS: Italian ice at the ice cream shop (it's dairy-free, soy-free AND gluten-free!) and cinnamon tea in my rose chintz tea-for-one set.
Friday, August 17, 2007
A Moment of Glory
I was shopping at Wal Mart tonight. I know. Yuck. It was so hot in there that the coconut oil I bought (which is usually solid at room temperature) was completely liquefied. Plus, it was late enough that, though the store was still packed with people, they were packing the aisle full of boxes for stocking. I hate this kind of shopping.
I got went to check out and all the lanes were three or four carts deep. I now knew that my frozen peas would be thawed by the time I got home and my chicken would be questionable. But, I finally made it to my turn and almost smiled at the cashier, but she never did acknowledge me, so I just kept putting my stuff on the counter. The chicken was leaking and I got chicken juice all over my hands. Double yuck. I went fishing in my pretty Vera Bradley bag (A.K.A. too-expensive-for-me-to-buy-so-it-was-a-gift bag) for a napkin or something and discovered with my sweaty, hot, chicken juice hands that my lipstick had come open in the purse and was all over my wallet, my keys and now my hands. It was also under my fingernails. Triple yuck.
But I powered through and dealt with my issues while the cashier talked to her also-cashier daughter and also-employee daughter's boyfriend. Sigh.
On my way out, though, I passed a fan display. The breeze caught my ponytail wisps and I suddenly felt like a supermodel.....pushing........a cart. Never mind. Feeling passed. But it was a nice moment.
DAILY BLISS: The giant, juicy cantaloupe-slice moon tonight and catching "Hot Rod Lincoln" on the radio. I don't know why, but that song just makes me smile.
I got went to check out and all the lanes were three or four carts deep. I now knew that my frozen peas would be thawed by the time I got home and my chicken would be questionable. But, I finally made it to my turn and almost smiled at the cashier, but she never did acknowledge me, so I just kept putting my stuff on the counter. The chicken was leaking and I got chicken juice all over my hands. Double yuck. I went fishing in my pretty Vera Bradley bag (A.K.A. too-expensive-for-me-to-buy-so-it-was-a-gift bag) for a napkin or something and discovered with my sweaty, hot, chicken juice hands that my lipstick had come open in the purse and was all over my wallet, my keys and now my hands. It was also under my fingernails. Triple yuck.
But I powered through and dealt with my issues while the cashier talked to her also-cashier daughter and also-employee daughter's boyfriend. Sigh.
On my way out, though, I passed a fan display. The breeze caught my ponytail wisps and I suddenly felt like a supermodel.....pushing........a cart. Never mind. Feeling passed. But it was a nice moment.
DAILY BLISS: The giant, juicy cantaloupe-slice moon tonight and catching "Hot Rod Lincoln" on the radio. I don't know why, but that song just makes me smile.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Loads of Fun
I got MAIL todoay! I got scads of lotion-making stuff and fragrance oils and even some super-soft angora yarn for a Christmas present I'm making (for my brother, who doesn't read this blog). So, I have spent my evening knee-deep in creative stuff.
All the while, I have enjoyed the most glorious downpour of rain outside. It's not violent and thundery, but heavy sheets of rain are making beautiful noise on my roof.
Aaannnnd, I finally won a week-long, bloody battle with one of Emma's teeth. We have told her every night for quite a while now that the tooth would be coming out "tonight," only to send her to bed with it still firmly plugged in. Though, due to our concerns about her choking on it in the middle of the night, she (seriously!) slept with her bottom lip tucked behind her teeth, so that it stuck safely out of her mouth. Amazing!
DAILY BLISS: chocolate marshmallows (they don't have any ingredients I'm allergic to!!) and vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil
P.S.
Four things.
1) My bathtub
2) Candles
3) Mazzy Starr
4) Maple Cream Latte bath stuff that I made up
Aaaaahhhhhh.
All the while, I have enjoyed the most glorious downpour of rain outside. It's not violent and thundery, but heavy sheets of rain are making beautiful noise on my roof.
Aaannnnd, I finally won a week-long, bloody battle with one of Emma's teeth. We have told her every night for quite a while now that the tooth would be coming out "tonight," only to send her to bed with it still firmly plugged in. Though, due to our concerns about her choking on it in the middle of the night, she (seriously!) slept with her bottom lip tucked behind her teeth, so that it stuck safely out of her mouth. Amazing!
DAILY BLISS: chocolate marshmallows (they don't have any ingredients I'm allergic to!!) and vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil
P.S.
Four things.
1) My bathtub
2) Candles
3) Mazzy Starr
4) Maple Cream Latte bath stuff that I made up
Aaaaahhhhhh.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Getting It Out Of My Head
Well, as I said, there are some emotional things going on in my life. My shoulders feel like they're tethered to my earlobes. My brow has a knot in it - right above the bridge of my nose. I'm not sure if it'll go away. My head is so full that I'm not sleeping well and have become so groggy that I actually went to the store in track pants today. I understand that many of you do this anyway. But I do not. Generally, I do not look like I belong in track pants. I look like I belong in dark jeans and pumps.
These are my typical warning signs. It's time to write about it. I've been avoiding it. It's not pleasant. But it has led to a big decision for Chris and me.
Our church is losing its pastor.
This happens all the time in churches across the country. But our church isn't like others. We're small. We don't have a building. We use air quotes when we say the word "pastor."
This was quite unexpected when it was dropped into our laps two weeks ago. The "leadership" (again with the quotes) was called together for a meeting - that'd be the "pastor," and his wife, Chris and me, and one other couple. The six of us planted this church 4 1/2 years ago. And they just out and said that they're going back to their Catholic roots. Okay. Well. What about the rest of us? They glibly offered that Chris and I could take over as the pastors.
Ha! we thought. We're not really pastor people.
I guess I should back up. This should not have been completely unexpected. There has been a general sense of their withdrawal. I attributed this to the birth of a surprise baby and the adjustments that would likely come along with that. Their kids were older, they forgot how tough it is.....we were sure that, in time, they'd come back and be our friends and mentors and pastors.
Two years ago, we had so many people in one living room that it became necessary to split into two living rooms. After much prayer and consideration, Chris and I decided to take on the second group in our house. Pastors? No. Small group facilitators? Definitely. We had the promise of continued fellowship with our friends and a little guidance along the way, since we've never really trained or practiced the art of pastoring. Make that facilitating.
But that was about the same time the surprise baby came along. The core of our community sort of....spread apart. But community is the central idea of home churches. They don't work without a deep sense of belonging to your community. So, we felt like we were holding the vision for our church in our hands and waiting for our pastor to come back, pick it up, and keep moving ahead. We kept treading water, not really keeping track of how long it'd actually been.
Two years later, Chris and I have found ourselves dry and dead and lacking in vision. Our living room community is strong, but we're not having dinner together outside of church. We're not going out to help people in our neighborhoods. We're not....in deep community with each other. I've been growing restless about our direction and my own spiritual hunger has become overwhelming.
But we still were waiting.
I don't know why we were waiting. I know now that we didn't have direction and vision because we were holding on to someone else's vision.
So, we should have seen this coming. But I think that we were so tired, we just couldn't. Maybe we didn't want to.
So, now, what do we do? Like I said, we have never envisioned ourselves as "pastors." But going to a regular church again? Ugh. But we need to have accountability with other groups - we need spiritual authority over us - we need....the list goes on.
But the more we considered it, the more we didn't want to drop what God has given us to do. Our church has been a home for Christians who don't like church. It's a place of rest for other pastors, and just people too, who have been hurt by The Church and are angry and tired. We love providing that place.
So, we brought the problem to our half of the church on Sunday. We love this. We want to do church this way and we don't want to just give up and join up somewhere else. We know that we can't just sit out here, a lonely and isolated cell of believers, without accountability to other churches or relationships with other pastors. That's how people end up drinking funny Kool-Aid in a compound somewhere.
And they encouraged us. Most of them don't even know the "pastor" of our church. They've been so removed from our fellowship that we've only met a handful of times as a big group. To them, we already are their pastors, they said. They like church this way and want to keep doing it too. I guess we really were pastors anyway, but we were so intimidated by the title that we shied away from claiming it. We are both ordained, I guess, for whatever that's worth(not much)! So, they want to stay with us on this journey of faith. We are going to rearrange our meeting times so Chris and I can go out and intrepidly explore the local world of home churches, with the hope of making some new connections. I know there are others. "Home Church" is pretty trendy right now. Even my Lutheran Pastor uncles are asking us about it. Sometimes, I just want to tell them that we've been doing this for years - why are they only interested now? Anyway, that's beside the point.
So, the emotional side of this is that, we bought into a completely new way of doing church. We committed to it with everything we had. We took considered risks with the upbringing of our children - no Sunday School? How will they ever learn about Jesus? We have had to explain ourselves to family and friends and stand up for why we aren't "in church." We've even had to define ourselves apart from other alternative churches who often are bound together by just bitching about the traditional church and how they disagree with everything it does. It's been a hard road and it was really scary to look at giving it all up. Does that mean we failed? Does that mean we messed it up, or was it wrong to begin with? We thought we were comfortable with someone else's answers to those issues.
But now, we have to own it. We are no longer following someone else's crazy ideas about church. I haven't faced anything more grave and frightening than the prospect of pastoral responsibility. But we're going to keep doing it.
Where are we going? I have no idea. But it's nice to be supported and encouraged and to know that you have friends that are walking with you into the Spiritual Unknown that is life outside of the American Church.
DAILY BLISS: Peep-toe shoes and reading Runny Babbit to Emma. That's a book that simply must be read out loud. I highly recommend it for particularly bad days.
These are my typical warning signs. It's time to write about it. I've been avoiding it. It's not pleasant. But it has led to a big decision for Chris and me.
Our church is losing its pastor.
This happens all the time in churches across the country. But our church isn't like others. We're small. We don't have a building. We use air quotes when we say the word "pastor."
This was quite unexpected when it was dropped into our laps two weeks ago. The "leadership" (again with the quotes) was called together for a meeting - that'd be the "pastor," and his wife, Chris and me, and one other couple. The six of us planted this church 4 1/2 years ago. And they just out and said that they're going back to their Catholic roots. Okay. Well. What about the rest of us? They glibly offered that Chris and I could take over as the pastors.
Ha! we thought. We're not really pastor people.
I guess I should back up. This should not have been completely unexpected. There has been a general sense of their withdrawal. I attributed this to the birth of a surprise baby and the adjustments that would likely come along with that. Their kids were older, they forgot how tough it is.....we were sure that, in time, they'd come back and be our friends and mentors and pastors.
Two years ago, we had so many people in one living room that it became necessary to split into two living rooms. After much prayer and consideration, Chris and I decided to take on the second group in our house. Pastors? No. Small group facilitators? Definitely. We had the promise of continued fellowship with our friends and a little guidance along the way, since we've never really trained or practiced the art of pastoring. Make that facilitating.
But that was about the same time the surprise baby came along. The core of our community sort of....spread apart. But community is the central idea of home churches. They don't work without a deep sense of belonging to your community. So, we felt like we were holding the vision for our church in our hands and waiting for our pastor to come back, pick it up, and keep moving ahead. We kept treading water, not really keeping track of how long it'd actually been.
Two years later, Chris and I have found ourselves dry and dead and lacking in vision. Our living room community is strong, but we're not having dinner together outside of church. We're not going out to help people in our neighborhoods. We're not....in deep community with each other. I've been growing restless about our direction and my own spiritual hunger has become overwhelming.
But we still were waiting.
I don't know why we were waiting. I know now that we didn't have direction and vision because we were holding on to someone else's vision.
So, we should have seen this coming. But I think that we were so tired, we just couldn't. Maybe we didn't want to.
So, now, what do we do? Like I said, we have never envisioned ourselves as "pastors." But going to a regular church again? Ugh. But we need to have accountability with other groups - we need spiritual authority over us - we need....the list goes on.
But the more we considered it, the more we didn't want to drop what God has given us to do. Our church has been a home for Christians who don't like church. It's a place of rest for other pastors, and just people too, who have been hurt by The Church and are angry and tired. We love providing that place.
So, we brought the problem to our half of the church on Sunday. We love this. We want to do church this way and we don't want to just give up and join up somewhere else. We know that we can't just sit out here, a lonely and isolated cell of believers, without accountability to other churches or relationships with other pastors. That's how people end up drinking funny Kool-Aid in a compound somewhere.
And they encouraged us. Most of them don't even know the "pastor" of our church. They've been so removed from our fellowship that we've only met a handful of times as a big group. To them, we already are their pastors, they said. They like church this way and want to keep doing it too. I guess we really were pastors anyway, but we were so intimidated by the title that we shied away from claiming it. We are both ordained, I guess, for whatever that's worth(not much)! So, they want to stay with us on this journey of faith. We are going to rearrange our meeting times so Chris and I can go out and intrepidly explore the local world of home churches, with the hope of making some new connections. I know there are others. "Home Church" is pretty trendy right now. Even my Lutheran Pastor uncles are asking us about it. Sometimes, I just want to tell them that we've been doing this for years - why are they only interested now? Anyway, that's beside the point.
So, the emotional side of this is that, we bought into a completely new way of doing church. We committed to it with everything we had. We took considered risks with the upbringing of our children - no Sunday School? How will they ever learn about Jesus? We have had to explain ourselves to family and friends and stand up for why we aren't "in church." We've even had to define ourselves apart from other alternative churches who often are bound together by just bitching about the traditional church and how they disagree with everything it does. It's been a hard road and it was really scary to look at giving it all up. Does that mean we failed? Does that mean we messed it up, or was it wrong to begin with? We thought we were comfortable with someone else's answers to those issues.
But now, we have to own it. We are no longer following someone else's crazy ideas about church. I haven't faced anything more grave and frightening than the prospect of pastoral responsibility. But we're going to keep doing it.
Where are we going? I have no idea. But it's nice to be supported and encouraged and to know that you have friends that are walking with you into the Spiritual Unknown that is life outside of the American Church.
DAILY BLISS: Peep-toe shoes and reading Runny Babbit to Emma. That's a book that simply must be read out loud. I highly recommend it for particularly bad days.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Slice of Life
I have deep, emotional and new stuff to blog about. But not today. Today, I am tired. Today, I'm just going to blog for the sake of blogging and share a few slices of my life at this moment.
I was going about my usual business, making dinner this evening, when I was granted a visit from the self-proclaimed Angel of Peace. Oddly enough, she carries a sword. She told me that the sword is for slicing Satan down the middle from his head to his feet. There was a sweeping, air-sword demonstration of this action. Huh. Peaceful. Chris told me this makes perfect sense - she keeps the peace by carrying a piece. I have no idea where she comes up with this stuff.
Drew was visited by the Technology Fairy this weekend. And no, it's not Emma. Well....I don't suppose he'd want to be a fairy....uh....the Robo Gifter? Whatever. My friend sent him a link to some cool, free software. I think it's a kid-level programming language. But I don't know anything about that stuff. Drew seems to get it, though. And that's all that counts. Here's what he has looked like for two days straight:
He was sore, though, from his week at the YMCA camp last week. They really ran 'em ragged with racquetball, golf, weight lifting, swimiming.....all that good stuff. He asked me for a massage! So, Emma snapped a photo of me giving Drew a backrub. I would post it here, but I was still wearing my apron from cooking dinner. I look like some kind of haus frau in the photo. So, you'll not be seeing it.
The evening was concluded with a ball in the living room. The King and his Princess daughter danced to Pachelbel's Canon and she accidentally dropped a golden slipper upon leaving the ballroom. He gallantly came searching for the girl whose feet fit into it. I turned around from my desk and insisted that it must be mine. I want to be the queen!!! But alas, it only fit the tiny maid who had hidden under my desk moments before. I'm not sure how his daughter evolved into a maiden he had never met before, but I wasn't part of the game. So I won't judge.
DAILY BLISS: With all that I just wrote above? Who needs anything happier?
I was going about my usual business, making dinner this evening, when I was granted a visit from the self-proclaimed Angel of Peace. Oddly enough, she carries a sword. She told me that the sword is for slicing Satan down the middle from his head to his feet. There was a sweeping, air-sword demonstration of this action. Huh. Peaceful. Chris told me this makes perfect sense - she keeps the peace by carrying a piece. I have no idea where she comes up with this stuff.
Drew was visited by the Technology Fairy this weekend. And no, it's not Emma. Well....I don't suppose he'd want to be a fairy....uh....the Robo Gifter? Whatever. My friend sent him a link to some cool, free software. I think it's a kid-level programming language. But I don't know anything about that stuff. Drew seems to get it, though. And that's all that counts. Here's what he has looked like for two days straight:
He was sore, though, from his week at the YMCA camp last week. They really ran 'em ragged with racquetball, golf, weight lifting, swimiming.....all that good stuff. He asked me for a massage! So, Emma snapped a photo of me giving Drew a backrub. I would post it here, but I was still wearing my apron from cooking dinner. I look like some kind of haus frau in the photo. So, you'll not be seeing it.
The evening was concluded with a ball in the living room. The King and his Princess daughter danced to Pachelbel's Canon and she accidentally dropped a golden slipper upon leaving the ballroom. He gallantly came searching for the girl whose feet fit into it. I turned around from my desk and insisted that it must be mine. I want to be the queen!!! But alas, it only fit the tiny maid who had hidden under my desk moments before. I'm not sure how his daughter evolved into a maiden he had never met before, but I wasn't part of the game. So I won't judge.
DAILY BLISS: With all that I just wrote above? Who needs anything happier?
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Super-Fun
I had coffee with an old friend tonight. How fun is that? It's just not that often you can sit across the table from someone that you've known since before you were allowed to shave your legs. And the joy of honest conversation in that setting - refreshing!
As a matter of fact, in my sad little lonely life, I don't get to "talk" that much with girlfriends. After two hours and a cup of decaf, my voice is a little hoarse. It's out of practice, I guess!
Anyway, thanks Leah for a fun night and I hope it's one of many to come. Welcome back home!
DAILY BLISS: Um....still loving that yarn from yesterday. My fingers actually are craving it when they're not with it. Alpaca, silk and merino wool. Yum. Oh - and also, breakfast for supper. That's always fun!
As a matter of fact, in my sad little lonely life, I don't get to "talk" that much with girlfriends. After two hours and a cup of decaf, my voice is a little hoarse. It's out of practice, I guess!
Anyway, thanks Leah for a fun night and I hope it's one of many to come. Welcome back home!
DAILY BLISS: Um....still loving that yarn from yesterday. My fingers actually are craving it when they're not with it. Alpaca, silk and merino wool. Yum. Oh - and also, breakfast for supper. That's always fun!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Ah, boys....boys.....boys....
Actual snippet of dinner conversation at our table tonight:
Drew: Hey Dad! The way these two potato chips are placed on my plate makes them look like an Imperial Star Destroyer!
Dad: Cool!
DAILY BLISS: I got yarn in the mail! Of course, I did order it, so it wasn't completely unexpected.....but it was completely fun!
Drew: Hey Dad! The way these two potato chips are placed on my plate makes them look like an Imperial Star Destroyer!
Dad: Cool!
DAILY BLISS: I got yarn in the mail! Of course, I did order it, so it wasn't completely unexpected.....but it was completely fun!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
A Small Rant
I am standing on the soap box in my husband's stead tonight. He will never be the blogging kind, so I took up the mantle and decided to air his complaint. Really, if I had seen it, I would have been just as irritated.
He was driving around town today and drove past a church. This church, we happen to know, is not an overly-wealthy church. They do not have scads of upper-crust clients, uh, I mean parishioners sitting in their folded metal chairs. But this church has a spankin'-new electronic marquee sign. This is the kind that projects video and photos for the public to see. I would presume that this is an effort to market themselves as a church full of upper-crust folks in order to attract more of them. A sign like this, you see, is an investment, and it pays for itself by bringing in big tithers. Or at least it might attract smallish tithers in large numbers (because they think they are joining a cool church).
Honestly, I always thought the little signs where you put up letters to spell out clever things (in an effort to attract clever tithers) were bad enough. I don't know anyone who got saved because a church sign asked them if they were. I really did see one that asked the question "Are you saved?" I think that, if you are not, you probably don't know what that means anyway. But I suppose that is an entirely different soap box.
My real problem, aside from being blindsided by consumerism in a place of worship, is the financial expenditure we're talking about. Thousands of dollars, I'm sure, to buy the thing, then the cost of electricity to keep it running.....day and night. Maybe they turn it off late at night, but I'm sure it looks so good at dusk and in the early evenings, that this beacon is left shining, much like a welcoming porch light.
I'm just pulling a number out of thin air, here, but suppose one of those fancy doo-hickies cost $8,000. How else could we use that $8,000? What about supporting a missionary that goes into a destitute area and brings them tools, seeds and the training they need to farm the land that they have? Churches are contacted all the time with needs like this (I know - I field the calls at the church where I work!). Heifer International offers an opportunity to buy farm animals for families in Africa (among other places). A cow costs $500, and a sheep costs only $120! That sign costs 16 cows or about 65 sheep! BTW, I don't know anything about this organization...so I'm in no way endorsing it.
My favorite, though, is Compassion International. My mom sponsored a little girl for many years and even got to visit her family in the Dominican Republic. That's $32 dollars a month...so....you could sponsor two children for more than 10 years. It just seems to me that any of these options is a better investment in the Kingdom of God.
Now, I will step down and go back to being my sugar-sweet, always-polite, usual self (Ha!). Thanks.
DAILY BLISS: noticing how tall my kids have grown over the summer and shopping for a new work computer
He was driving around town today and drove past a church. This church, we happen to know, is not an overly-wealthy church. They do not have scads of upper-crust clients, uh, I mean parishioners sitting in their folded metal chairs. But this church has a spankin'-new electronic marquee sign. This is the kind that projects video and photos for the public to see. I would presume that this is an effort to market themselves as a church full of upper-crust folks in order to attract more of them. A sign like this, you see, is an investment, and it pays for itself by bringing in big tithers. Or at least it might attract smallish tithers in large numbers (because they think they are joining a cool church).
Honestly, I always thought the little signs where you put up letters to spell out clever things (in an effort to attract clever tithers) were bad enough. I don't know anyone who got saved because a church sign asked them if they were. I really did see one that asked the question "Are you saved?" I think that, if you are not, you probably don't know what that means anyway. But I suppose that is an entirely different soap box.
My real problem, aside from being blindsided by consumerism in a place of worship, is the financial expenditure we're talking about. Thousands of dollars, I'm sure, to buy the thing, then the cost of electricity to keep it running.....day and night. Maybe they turn it off late at night, but I'm sure it looks so good at dusk and in the early evenings, that this beacon is left shining, much like a welcoming porch light.
I'm just pulling a number out of thin air, here, but suppose one of those fancy doo-hickies cost $8,000. How else could we use that $8,000? What about supporting a missionary that goes into a destitute area and brings them tools, seeds and the training they need to farm the land that they have? Churches are contacted all the time with needs like this (I know - I field the calls at the church where I work!). Heifer International offers an opportunity to buy farm animals for families in Africa (among other places). A cow costs $500, and a sheep costs only $120! That sign costs 16 cows or about 65 sheep! BTW, I don't know anything about this organization...so I'm in no way endorsing it.
My favorite, though, is Compassion International. My mom sponsored a little girl for many years and even got to visit her family in the Dominican Republic. That's $32 dollars a month...so....you could sponsor two children for more than 10 years. It just seems to me that any of these options is a better investment in the Kingdom of God.
Now, I will step down and go back to being my sugar-sweet, always-polite, usual self (Ha!). Thanks.
DAILY BLISS: noticing how tall my kids have grown over the summer and shopping for a new work computer
Sunday, August 5, 2007
A Little Bad News
We had Terminix come out yesterday for an inspection.
A couple nights ago (while Chris was gone), Emma squealed from her bed for me to come. It sounded pretty urgent. Turns out, she had found a bug on her bed and squished it. I took one look at that bug and decided to wrap it up in a tissue and save it. Within two days, coincidentally, Terminix called us and offered us a free termite inspection. They're our pest control company anyway, so....the timing was really impeccable.
Chris came home, made the arrangements and Anthony came on out. He saw all the old damage on the front porch and started to get worried. He was then awfully surprised at the size of the bug I showed him. Yup. It was a big, fat, reproductive termite. Anthony was pretty sure it was going to be bad news all around. I guess only the ones with wings lay eggs. I looked through his little flier and found that the bug I thought was an earwig in the bathroom also was a termite of the same genre (earwigs have little pincers too, but just on the opposite end of their bodies). This one was a soldier termite, though.
Sigh.
The good news is that there is no visible evidence of infestation and no new damage (this house, and any other house in florida that is more than a few years old, has had termites at least once before). The bad news is that, well, we found termites inside the house, which means that they are either in the walls or somewhere else that we can't see, or they're in the neighborhood and knocking on my door.
We will be tenting the house. I don't even want to think about the work that this will entail - boxing up foods and medicines and my spice cabinet, leaving all appliance doors open, stripping the bedding and possibly removing the mattresses, moving to my mom's house for a week....groan. All during the second week of school.
But I do love my house. It's not my house's fault. I love my house. My house would never knowingly betray me. I love my.....
DAILY BLISS: A birthday present (finally) from the DH and a slow pancake breakfast on a quiet, church-was-cancelled-today, Sunday morning.
A couple nights ago (while Chris was gone), Emma squealed from her bed for me to come. It sounded pretty urgent. Turns out, she had found a bug on her bed and squished it. I took one look at that bug and decided to wrap it up in a tissue and save it. Within two days, coincidentally, Terminix called us and offered us a free termite inspection. They're our pest control company anyway, so....the timing was really impeccable.
Chris came home, made the arrangements and Anthony came on out. He saw all the old damage on the front porch and started to get worried. He was then awfully surprised at the size of the bug I showed him. Yup. It was a big, fat, reproductive termite. Anthony was pretty sure it was going to be bad news all around. I guess only the ones with wings lay eggs. I looked through his little flier and found that the bug I thought was an earwig in the bathroom also was a termite of the same genre (earwigs have little pincers too, but just on the opposite end of their bodies). This one was a soldier termite, though.
Sigh.
The good news is that there is no visible evidence of infestation and no new damage (this house, and any other house in florida that is more than a few years old, has had termites at least once before). The bad news is that, well, we found termites inside the house, which means that they are either in the walls or somewhere else that we can't see, or they're in the neighborhood and knocking on my door.
We will be tenting the house. I don't even want to think about the work that this will entail - boxing up foods and medicines and my spice cabinet, leaving all appliance doors open, stripping the bedding and possibly removing the mattresses, moving to my mom's house for a week....groan. All during the second week of school.
But I do love my house. It's not my house's fault. I love my house. My house would never knowingly betray me. I love my.....
DAILY BLISS: A birthday present (finally) from the DH and a slow pancake breakfast on a quiet, church-was-cancelled-today, Sunday morning.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Stuff
Well, I don't have much to say, I guess. We have just been living and doing and being. I guess those are all good things, but they don't make for much in the way of a good story.
My dear hubby is home, though. I had almost forgotten him (after only a week! Yikes!)...but he promises to remind me later:) And, joy of joys, he took us all out to dinner and we bought school sneakers for the kids.
See? Bo-o-o-o-ring.
I am suffering a bit under the realization that school is only a couple weeks away, though. Life is whizzing by too quickly for me. I'm a sip-your-tea-slowly kind of a girl, and current life is much more at the pace of gulp-your-soda-and-try-not-to-burp-in-public.
Ah, well.
DAILY BLISS: A surprise visit at work from Chris, on his drive home from Mississippi (bleah!) and Julianna (my work friend/knitting instructor/Harry Potter expert) told me that I was a good knitter! Hooray!
My dear hubby is home, though. I had almost forgotten him (after only a week! Yikes!)...but he promises to remind me later:) And, joy of joys, he took us all out to dinner and we bought school sneakers for the kids.
See? Bo-o-o-o-ring.
I am suffering a bit under the realization that school is only a couple weeks away, though. Life is whizzing by too quickly for me. I'm a sip-your-tea-slowly kind of a girl, and current life is much more at the pace of gulp-your-soda-and-try-not-to-burp-in-public.
Ah, well.
DAILY BLISS: A surprise visit at work from Chris, on his drive home from Mississippi (bleah!) and Julianna (my work friend/knitting instructor/Harry Potter expert) told me that I was a good knitter! Hooray!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)