I know the answer to this, but I'm going to ask anyway. Do any of you guys ever feel like you have reached critical mass? Like you just can't. And it doesn't really matter what you can't, because you could fill in the blank with anything in your life at the moment and the statement would be true. I suppose I've been heading in that direction for a while, now. I even warned my Dear Husband that I was going to crack way back in November or something. I found myself standing in my kitchen today and I wanted to just sit on the floor. I am prone to sitting down in odd places when I need to escape - sometimes it's a closet, sometimes it's the fort in the back yard.
And it isn't even some certain thing that I need to take care of in order to feel better. It's just all of it. I can't do this is what my head says.
Of course, I know the answers. I know what I would tell a friend who was feeling that way. But in the moment, all you really want is to just feel what you feel and sit down and not even knit because you're that spent. I heard that collective gasp. Yes - I said I didn't even feel like knitting.
The to-do list in my head is overwhelming. I lost my paper brain (my notebook) somewhere in the mess of purses and bags that are strewn about my floor because I am too busy to put them away but too vain to go out in black clothes with a brown purse. I usually email myself reminders between work and home, but there are so many now that I just ignore them until it's time to forward them to myself at my next destination. Ridiculous. And who the hell decided I could handle two big kids a mortgage and a car that doesn't always start? I'm not qualified. I don't suppose anybody really is, but I feel particularly unqualified this week.
Not to sound as though I am in utter despair. I know the difference between what is true and what feels like it's true.
I know I'll wake up tomorrow and have a cup of coffee (half-caf, please), put on some secretary shoes and get about the business of making sure my keys don't get locked in my trunk by one of my well-meaning children. I'll go to work and put on my glasses and publish a bulletin and send out a church-wide reminder about Lent services. I'll make it to tennis and manage to smile at my son's coach. I'll sign homework planners for teachers.....
But sometimes there are moments that catch your attention. They tell you that something needs to change and it needs to change soon. I don't know what it will be that will change. It might not even be a big thing. We'll see.
DAILY BLISS: A real rainbow in the sky this morning and hearing one of my favorite bands (Band of Horses) on a car commercial
5 comments:
I've been where you're at and I'm certain that something will change. But the critical mass/in between/waiting stage thing is hard to walk through. And venting is so cathartic :)
I feel it, sista. Were I in any way able to, I would sit right down in the middle of the floor with you. We would "can't" together. And maybe have a drink. I miss you.
Sounds like you need a "me day" - no kids, no husband, no house, no work, no duties - take a day for yourself - you deserve it....I know because I have to have them sometimes too and I just TAKE them...
Do you feel a drum beating behind you that makes you keep pace with it?
I'll pray that something stands up on it's own for you today.
Can I just say that I am so relieved to know that someone else has sat in closets before to escape? My husband thought I was the only person to do this. I know what you mean. Sometimes life just reaches around and bites you. When that happens I have have the image of myself standing there with a long crack right through me. I do recommend hopping in the car and driving down back roads screaming at the top of your lungs.
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